Shiva - the enticer

He sits there silent, stone cold, like nothing ever bothers him. He is passive silent distant and truely unapproachable. His potency spreads like wild fire to all those who seek him, yet he sits there... silent unattainable.

to awaken him is tough, to tell him i have come is tough, to ask him to shower his attention on me is tough... to give up my ego is tough. How then do i ask him to look at me? how then do i ask him about life.. how then do i ask him to explain what brought me here... when he just sits there silent... shut.

i wait, wait and wait... while life just goes by... i patiently wait dreaming of him all the time. I wait just hoping somewhere he will notice me... i wait to just have him explain "me" to me. yet he sits there silent....

i give up, engulfed in anger, desperation.. dont you hear me... he doesnt budge... he tests me. i look for him around me, i try to figure him out. yet stone cold is all i see. where is your emotion, dont you have a heart. i have given up all to get here and you dont even take a glance? no... i should wait and watch... wait .. just wait .. thats all there is to it. I feel the chilling breeze, in my breath, i feel the chill in my throat. i feel the freshness in the air when i fix my mind on him.

there is no pleasure nor pain, there is no sign of life.. just calm, simple calm on his face. i dont know what to expect...yet i feel the heat rise. whats in his mind, whats in that world, that resembles a thousand petalled lotus? what is that energy which i know exists.. but i fail to just see it within my limited self.

i feel the heat in my eyes, i hear every beat of me heart. i can see the madness in every rising emotion as it rebels within my being... the noise inside me is hard to control, the fleeting emotions too hard to bear, while all lies silent outside... silent calm and cold. what is this that controls me, what is this that attracts. what is this makes me crave for it when i just cant seem to get.

is this something i imagine, is this something that really exists, what ever it is... i rather not question for i simply fail to understand it... i feel like him, i behave like him, i try to be him... yet incomplete... yet frustrating... where is the essence of him. all i want is a drop of him, a drop to bathe me in his being. as i sit and chop my human being, in sheer anger and frustration. as i shred it to pieces to look for him within... as i cry in pain and kill while i cant seem to find my answer.... i stop to hear the rhytm within myself...the rythm of of creation within myself.... shiva awakens within me.... and draws me to himself. the power uncontrolled, burns my aching body, his essence flows over and dissolves me within... i cease to exist anymore... i cease to think... i cease to be...