The divine celestial from the Holy Land

Srinivasan sat back in bed, trying hard not to let go of the dream he had just woken out of. It was divine in its pulse for his emotions were raging high even after his mind has sunk back into the real world. Who was that he wondered? Who was that person, so charming and angelic with a smile so sweet that he could stay intoxicated with it forever. His dream had been very strange and his emotions were uncontrollable. He had never wanted someone so much. This person he saw in the dream looked monk like, fair and rounded like a baby extremely active with a spark of life that overwhelmed him. What stood in front of him was a celestial, whose smile and twinkling eyes just gave him more presence than just another human being. He appeared to be God sent, from the realm of the supreme and the energy he displayed was overwhelmingly powerful.

Srinivasan had no intentions to let go of his divine imagination. That dream was too precious. He pondered over his emotions, this celestial being belonged to him. Who ever he was and where ever he came from... he looked unreachable and the same time he was right there. His face spoke a million words, as if he was from the world of the wise. He looked enlightened; he looked as if he knew, as if he knew a lot. He looked as if he mocked the ignorance of Srinivasan as he stared at him and played with his emotions. He was there in front of him, and suddenly he disappeared only to reappear with the most charming smile, beaming life in his eyes, with a divine glow that enveloped him. He was so full of Tejas, Srinivasan could barely hold himself together.

Srinivasan felt a surge of divine love. It was not compassionate as much as it was possessive. He wanted that celestial being to be with him, he wanted to keep observing him, he was completely fascinated, completely enchanted by this ray of spiritual presence that draped his mind this morning. At the same time, Srinivasan felt fear, fear of his celestial friend being discovered. Fear that others would notice this spark of divinity and wish it away or destroy it with their evil glance. This was Srinivasan's moment in reality, his moment of being blessed by the supreme. And he couldn't share this joy with anyone... no one should ever know such a celestial came by. Srinivasan felt that the Gods had sent a messenger of some sort who was there to be with him for a while, protecting him and at the same time enticing him towards the realm of divine truth.

Srinivasan was ready to give up everything and go where ever the celestial being took him. It was no woman, there was no lust, no sensuous attraction, no hunger for flesh but there was supreme presence, it was beyond words to explain. Srinivasan felt blessed as if he was granted that strange wish of being protected and at the same time, he felt he was given ultimate freedom to leave this world we live in. Nothing about this world mattered. No money, no human, no happiness in the world, no woman could grant him this kind of a joy that he had felt suddenly. And he felt fear, fear to guard it, fear to hide the presence of this blessed being in his realm, so worried that someone else would notice and chase this celestial being away.

The dream faded with time, the emotions subsided and Srinivasan soon forgot the presence of the celestial being in his dream... it was a distant thought, one that he would love to entertain but as the thick weeds of ignorance grew over his spiritual realm Srinivasan very quickly got back into the mad noisy world of people.

Years later Srinivasan mulled over his life, his thoughts and his experiences. He was married now, and waiting for his first child to arrive. How would he be as a father, was he capable at all? As the day of his transformation approached Srinivasan's time and mind was long lost in getting himself and his home ready for the new arrival. The emotions of being a father were quickly smothered by the many people who took active interest in how the little one had to be brought up. Srinivasan barely got time to sit back and feel the joy in silence. Months flew by and it hardly took time for his child to grow into a beautiful baby. It was time for a trip to the holy land of Tirupati and Srinivasan and his wife decided to ceremoniously do away with the long jatas of their little one. Srinivasan was convinced that this had to be done soon and the long trek to the holy land brought him to this sacred earth for another round of darshan. This time he wondered whether his little one could sustain the overwhelming mass of people through the dingy passage ways. He would brave it anyway and he only hoped his little one would manage to take it all in with little trouble.

In the queue, the wait was endless. Srinivasan sat watching the crowds, some sleeping, others chatting over a coffee and few others yelling out loud "Govinda Govinda" occasionally with the sound of whining children in the background. The gates opened and the crowd raced almost causing a stampede. Srinivasan and his wife waded in the crowd, letting the flow of human beings carry them with its tide. Sticking close was all he could think of holding his little one up occasionally as he slept peacefully in his arms. The crowd swayed into the temple gates, the river of people now turning into rough rapids with no sensitivity towards anyone. Srinivasan's mind was a mixture of emotions, on one side he felt strange and blessed to be back on this earth, on the other side, his mind was on his little one who had just woken up in a daze staring at the river of strange people all around him, and he was leading the way for his family to stick together and make it safe for a minute longer in front of the sacred shrine of Lord Venkateshwara.   

The crowd surged in madly, meandering through the pillared passage way within the chamber of gold, and Srinivasan caught the glimpse of the Lord as he maneuvered through the maze. He was now heading straight for the spot, the one spot in front of the Lord before he got pushed away, where the Lord quickly fades of out sight. Srinivasan held up his little one to face the Lord, and looked at him. There in the background of all the chaos and in the thick of the human river, Srinivasan looked at the form of the Lord and then at his little one, only to be baffled by the play of life and time. What smiled in his arms was a little fair child, tonsured and smeared with sandalwood, monk like, with a glowing twinkle in his eyes, smiling a beaming smile at him, alive with a presence and energy he had not caught all these days. Srinivasan succumbed to the emotion as it came charging back into his mind, his eyes overjoyed with tears bursting with emotions as he stared at his little one... he held his own, his little divine celestial in his arms, the Lord had blessed him well at last.

To Lord Venkateshwara, I pray

Where the void meets chaos
Where diversity meets unity
Where noise meets silence
Where the self is and isn't

This is the moment of truth at the shrine of Sri Venkateshwara, Tirupati. It is one of the most popular shrines of India that has millions coming to meet the Lord, to have a glimpse of him and leave with a heavy heart, with deep emotion to have been blessed.

Getting to the foothills of Tirupati means we have been granted this divine vision, the experience of which is not easy to get. We are tuned into it from childhood to bear, to endure and to be patient till we make it to the inner shrine. This was a trip, of a different nature, of a profound kind for it was as eventful as one could have it. With a minor bus accident delaying us by 45 mins and waiting endlessly before the temple for our guide to emerge from the crowds, we were finally guided towards the entrance of the temple.

This was a test of sheer endurance, with the harsh sunlight burning the stone and cement flooring that led to the temple, it was no easy walk to make it remotely close to the shrine. After 10 minutes of walk with blisters and heat eating into our feet that resisted the harsh treatment we made it to cooler ground. Then began the next ordeal, that of being a caged animal pushed among people and loving it as the only other echo among the chatter is the sound of the Lord's name. There were people everywhere, the pulse of India's population is truly felt here. We can insulate ourself from public transport, unreserved coaches, Mumbai locals but we cannot escape the queue of Tirupati darshan if we want to feel the real pulse of India.

Here caste doesn't matter, maybe even faith doesn't matter for one could be a foreigner subjected to the same ordeal. Here Bhakti matters for its the real test of facing the most powerful force in raw form. The gathering momentum of India's brute force, the raw power of the moving crowd that for some strange reason is racing towards the inner shrine and what's worse, we are in it. In the midst of this chaos lay a family within the caged queue, a helpless man holding his child who peacefully slept in his arms, with two other children staring at their mother who was not keeping well. She seemed to be in severe pain, sweating and gasping, seated on the floor, letting the world go by in all its insensitivity.

We were India's raw population and not a single soul among us even got down to asking what the problem was... and like a river in flood we moved on leaving the family to fend for itself. It was further down in the queue that I noticed a few Devasthanam personnel appearing like scouts with ID cards giving us water from outside the cage. I stepped close to the cage wall trying to hold on while the river of people waded by, speaking in Hindi and then reverting to broken Tamil on request. I tried in all my limited vocabulary to pass the message that there was a distressed family further down in the queue that needed medical attention and they had no way out except be part of this flood. Having gathered some attention and trying to explain the problem to them, I had quite lost my place in the flowing river with my husband patiently waiting and trying to figure out what I was trying to do. This was all I could do, limited within my cage, and braving the river flowing at me, the only good thing I possibly did was raise the alarm of someone in pain and helpless inside.

And then the madness increased, this was not just a river in flood, it was worse for it was reaching levels of stampede as I was being advised to stay in the center of the crowd and never make it to the corners for if I did, I would probably never make it in one piece should I fall or not endure this oncoming force.

We had now entered the temple, the Mecca of the Hindus lay in front of us in all its grandeur. This brings a mixed feeling no matter how many times we get this darshan, its always different, and its never enough. But this time we were here with a purpose, of having made a promise to return to visit the Lord and it had not been very easy fulfilling it. We felt the stress in every inch we covered, He didn't make it easy for us or for anyone else. And now we were racing into the sanctum.

And then we neared the main shrine, deafened by the din surrounding us, blinded by the gold that blankets the shrine roof, numbed by the eloquence of the atmosphere, feeling the fragrance and the essence of the temple shrine and holding on to dear life as we were given a push into the main mandapa. And then we made that crucial turn we saw all heaven descend on us.

Where the void meets chaos
Where diversity meets unity
Where noise meets silence
Where the self is and isn't



Lord Venkateshwara stood there in silence as if He had descended into real life to bless all of us. There was no one inside the sanctum, not a soul and the darkness inside enveloped in the cool air had just Lord Venkateshwara standing at peace with a few lamps burning around Him. He looked simply divine and warm and yet so far away from this chaos that completely surrounded Him. The mind went blank, the feet stopped to move, the breath stopped flowing, I ceased to exist and all that there was in front of me was the VOID.

This is what void is, void is where there is supreme bliss, where there is no sound, nor movement, nor breath, nor mind, but extreme emotion. Void is where the body doesn't matter but soul is completely awake, void is where senses cease to exist but consciousness is in complete power. Void is what happens to us for a few seconds when we are transported to the other world that appears in front of us in the form of Lord Venkateshwara. Void is that feeling of deep emotion where we can neither explain or prove but can only feel and emote.

In this drama of real and pure bliss that bathed us for a few seconds the heart felt overwhelmed and the tears rolled down in complete helplessness. We were rudely woken out of this bliss by a strong hand that pulled us away from that glimpse. We stepped out, emoting and overwhelmed, blessed, exhausted and at peace, in silence, in tranquility staring at the mass of people racing in for their moment of bliss.

We walked out, after having prasadam towards the main door with a bit of irritation towards the crowd that still continued to push. And then there was a scream from inside. We were told to move and a few men came racing out with a stretcher. We moved close against the wall as an army of men with walkies yelled asking for way. We watched as they carried a lady on the stretcher, the same lady who I had seen sometime back suffering in the corner as the queue passed by. She lay lifeless in the stretcher as it raced out of the temple door. My heart stopped as we watched her being carried out towards the ambulance. We wondered, had she just fainted or was it more serious than that, did our raising the alarm in broken Tamil help her get her medical aid sooner? What were the other million insensitive Indians doing instead of calling for help!

In this drama of life, where the single thought in the mind is to fulfill that desire of Darshan, maybe we can do better as compassionate human beings. If we find anyone suffering in the queue for Tirupati darshan or anywhere else, we can call for help and raise the alarm. The Devastanam has ambulances and medical personnel will come to the aid of the suffering person. All we need to do is inform the personnel in uniform that someone is in trouble. The queue will move on, and darshan is inevitable for we cannot and will not get out of it until Darshan is over. For those who collapse on the way, let the heart speak and let compassion flow. I was close to turning a blind eye like the others, I am not sure whether she would have survived without help from the masses - from us.

Where silence meets noise
Where life meets the gloom of death
Where blind purpose meets compassion

Let the heart flow, let the consciousness awaken
This probably is true worship, and the perfect endurance test.