A Conversation with My Divine Family

It's been a journey this far, one into deep spiritualism... deeper than you have been possibly, and also one of the most enriching. There is fatigue and intoxication in the mind. Fatigue because I am determined to see my divine family, in this world and in the next and my search is not quite taking me anywhere. Intoxication because they are making doubly sure this search continues and I don't give it up for any  reason. I thought this was a subtle tease until I was posed with a very deep question... One that has started me on a new journey, a different journey. 

The circumstances of having gone to Jagannath, of having visited the temple and experienced the depth of Neela Madhava Bhava to some degree has left me saturated with such emotion. This divine intoxication led me to take a daring trip to the remote shakthi peetha of Tara Ma and despite warning of lack of safety in the rural region of West Bengal, I dared to surrender to MA Tara and tell her to protect me.

With Lord Jagannath residing in my heart and the beckoning call of Tara Ma, I headed out of a way side hotel in Tarapith to meet her at 3:00am. They say that the form of Ma Tara actually hides a deeper potency within herself, the sacred form of her feeding Lord Shiva; but what I had thought was all there is to it 2 years ago, led me to believe there was more. This form actually hid yet another vigraham within it and it had eaten into the reserves of my unending curiosity to know what that firm really was. Yes, I had kept this hunger going for 2 years, I had made it my purpose to know what was within that which the panda so carefully had hidden away...or maybe Tara MA herself for she did want me to come back again to bathe every form of hers that I subsequently discovered.

I had been excited about performing the abhishekam of what I thought was the inner form when I realized it was but a teaser to a form deeper within it. The discovery of Tara Ma has taken me 3 visits spanning few years. And sitting in a wayside shop waiting it out for a panda left me reflecting on what a friend of mine had said the previous night.

"It's a long queue at 2:30am, that continues till 3:30 with or without a panda and we get a glimpse of the inner form for a few seconds. 

But the instructions of the panda were otherwise. "Come at 3:00am and we will take you inside." Here were conflicting pieces of information, packed with added stress when the panda's wife replied to our frantic calls saying he was unwell and couldn't make it, led me to wonder what was in store. I was not going to curl up and sleep, I was going to brave it through the dark streets of the night. I was here for it and I was not going back without it.

Yet this intoxicated heart could barely wait to see her, as her intense mysticism overpowered my soul and no, no human was going to mess around with this sacred rendezvous.

With the panda's son's arrival to lead us into the temple at 4:00am, I had no clue what was lined up but the size of the offerings in the basket indicated there was a lot to be done. We waited our turn in a rather empty temple while few others were inside offering their prayers. We were called in, and I set eyes on her mysterious self, her core, the inner most idol, her potent earthly form that stood there awaiting me to bathe her. 

I am particular about what thoughts cross my mind at these moments for they govern my perspective of life back in my mundane world. And in this blank mind every thought that trickles through is a potent message from my spiritual family, and I wait for the next order or pearl of wisdom.

And in the silence of the chamber, in he silent waters of my mind I heard the swirling question come towards me. 

"I have given you my heart in a Saligrama, I have given you my life energy that it breathes with. I have shown you what there is to see in my earthly splendour be it at Kanchipuram, be it a Puri, be it at Lingaraja, be it at Tarapith. I have granted your wish to visit and discover everything there is to my earthly form. And now I ask, have you found me? Is this all there is to know about me? Or do you perhaps need to start looking within to go on this search?"

The question stung me hard. Go within, that's all I thought, but how and where?

I have crossed the threshold, some kind of threshold, I don't know. I have lost my anger to compassion. I have shrunk my materialism to triviality in relation to deeper faith. I have lost my expectations to forgiveness and tolerance. I have lost my earthly attachment to divine love. And now the path has opened up to go within.

The search continues but will I ever visit temples again... I don't know. They are within me and I am them. The temple out there... Maybe they will call me again if I fumble.

What a splendid lesson to learn on Shivaratri.

A Tryst with Faith

Yes, it’s been the year of Jagannath, the year of Kamakshi Amman and Tara Ma, the year of the great lord Shiva himself. Call it a twist of fate that in the last few months I got tossed into Bhuvaneswar on work, or was it a pretext to a greater reality unseen by the rest of the mortal world. 

Lord Shiva was my prime focus, and His sheer presence in my mind drove me to visit Lingaraja temple where I had the chance to walk into the Garbha Griha and learn more about Him. At the center of the chamber lies the shrine, a low Shiva linga, but with a difference. Lord Vishnu adorned in silver resides on Him. To my surprise I learned for the first time, this could well be the form of HariHara. Rich with experience I subsequently went to Puri Jagannath, where I came upon Kasi Vishwanath at the entrance. I also learned that the great Guru of Jagannath also resided within these temple walls and to my surprise he was the great Lord Shiva himself in the form of a linga. 

But, there was something else that moved in the mystical world just about the same time, one that I could sense but couldn't quite place my finger on. Emotionally I was exhausted wondering about how I could channelize my high energy emotion of Love and Bhakti. That’s really when Lord Jagannath stepped in, presenting ever so many occasions to repeatedly come and visit Him. He was there to guide, to keep my faith intact and to grant me as many visits as I possibly wanted. And, if there is anything am capable of ... its spiritual greed, I wanted to meet Him, again and again and again, closer and closer each time.

In my first visit apprehension overtook my emotion of divine love, a fear that this beautiful world within my mind would be destroyed by a screaming uncouth panda demanding for dakshina. It’s a mortal fear I have like anyone of you, the only difference was that I was worried because I really wanted to meet the Lord and I was scared it would not work out at all. My focus stayed in place, but my heart didn’t know what to expect. It appears like Lord Jagannath felt my fears and put it to rest when he sent a panda (who I never met after that) to come and guide me into the sacred chamber with gentleness and respect, something that I never expected. I met the Lord close, up close, amazed that I could walk into a garbha griha... no rules, no noise, no demands. 

I came out overwhelmed and went back home fulfilled only to learn later that there was a path of pradakshina I could have taken which I was not aware of. In my next visit, there was little chance of meeting that panda again but as I cursed my stars a friend of mine said she could arrange for another panda, the logistics of which I fixed through the course of the evening. It was a close call, to cover Konark and head towards Puri and find our way back to the airport at Bhuvneshwar, it was clock work and the Lord didn’t disappoint, for he let us walk into his shrine in the early hours of the morning. This time, I requested for the Pradakshina and I was allowed through with my friends. It was an experience to discover more about Lord Jagannath every step of the way, to learn about the temple, to learn about the way of life that surrounds these walls. 

I came out overwhelmed again, breaking down into my emotions partially as I thanked my friend endlessly for helping us through this. This time I saved the panda’s number and informed him I would be back in January to offer my manuscript, my work of art to the Great Lord Jagannath. Come January, I trooped back to Puri, as promised with my heart all set in anticipation wondering whether I would be granted my Jayadeva moment. It was unbelievable to say the least, where Lord Jagannath orchestrated my entry and exit ensuring I didn’t go back with disappointment. Whether it was day or night, whether it was a normal darshan or Shankranthi, whether there was few people or millions who thronged the temple, He made sure I visited him and had a darshan of him up close. When the Lord wishes, we can get the opportunity to bypass a wall of human beings to get a glimpse of him in a packed audience. I came back blessed with his victory flag that flies up high on the finial of the temple. 

Intoxicated and overwhelmed, emotionally saturated I returned yet again to visit him this time, with just one thought in my head.  I may not be able to come so often, and hence I asked the Lord "why don't you come back with me, come with me, reside in my heart, be a part of my being." I do not know what came over me, but the mind was ready and the heart ached and I asked the panda to source a saligrama this time, knowing fully well I was signing up for the ultimate state of orthodox living, and I was prepared to go for it. It was all for my Lord Jagannath.

I went back this time, repeatedly calling up my panda to be reassured that I would get what I had requested for. I had no idea on how it was going to happen but I was ready for NO as an answer anytime... in the mortal world, being a woman, NO comes more often than a YES in the spiritual world. We reached the temple doorway, and walked in silently into the peaceful courtyard. He told us to wait and look at the Lord while the pranapratishta was underway. He came back and handed me a saligrama, wrapped in grains and a red cloth which I safely put into a wooden box I had brought along. I stared at it and looked up questioningly...no shankha, no chakra? He smiled and said it’s the prana of Lord Jaganntha, within this saligrama sila, it’s a Banalinga. It is Lord Shiva himself. 

I stared back into the shrine, I had come a full circle. Lord Shiva and Lord Jagannath had taught me a serious lesson, there was no difference between them for this was the pure form of Harihara. Where the sacred prana of Lord Jagannath resides within a saligrama whose nature is that of Shiva, as a Banalinga. There is no Vaishnavism, there is no Shaivism, there is no separation on such religious or spiritual Gods, this was their swarupam, the primordial nature of supreme energy, a small drop of which rested within my hands for me to take back home. Lord Jagannatha had answered my prayers, as he sent me back to my world of Shiva, but with His life force. 

I realized in these months, in these many darshans of Lord Jagannath, that I had undergone a change, I had matured, spiritually evolved. I had lost every form of attachment to my earthly existence. I had found my divine family, I had reached the abode of my sacred home. I have found my sacred family. This year has been blessed, Kamakshi Amman made me meet her, Lord Jagannath gave me his soul locked in a Banalinga saligrama, Ma Tara awaits me in Tarapith and Lord Venkateshwara awaits me in Tirupati and I have stepped into the next stage of spiritual evolution. Experiencing the completeness of my life with my divine family. 

Jagannath Raas Lila - Silent conversation of affection.

Puri, sacred land of Shankha Kshetra, divine earth where the Lord Jagannath resides has come to become a part of me, it is what I call my home. Yes, this spiritual vagabond has found her home, previously at Tarapith, and now at Puri. 

Divine intervention or providence, I don’t know... and I frankly have stopped thinking. All I know is, when I get a chance to come to Bhuvaneswar, I can’t go back without setting foot into Puri to meet the Lord. After all its He who calls me all the time without fail. It’s been three visits, and there is no stopping this force from calling me. And each visit has had something new to offer. Somehow with these swelling emotions of devotion he just cares too much and takes care of everything, from permanently fixing a good panda who is genuine, giving me anytime access to the Lord to a meal, the maha prasad, before I leave. He has just been so real, so vibrant, pulsating in every breath of mine, now he just makes my heart melt. I can hardly think beyond him at the moment. 

Where do I start, how do I explain the impossibility of the trip, the lack of any chance to go to Puri, and yet He made me do it... against all odds to just book my return tickets a day later and not worry about the repercussions. I have not felt such levels of fearlessness and yet I seemed to have sailed through, not just unharmed... but protected as well. 

Well, I made the time but I was not quite ready for the next hurdle. It’s the time of Pongal/Shankranti and the temple is swarming with people, packed beyond capacity. I was blissfully unaware of what I was getting into. I just knew, I had to meet Him, with or without crowds, with or without company, nothing mattered, I had to go. But there was a catch, I wanted to submit my work of art, my manuscript at his feet, in my way and spend a few good silent moments with Him. I guess he knew that too. I have worked for this moment, not just waking up at 3:30am every morning in the last 3 months, but for the last 10 years, to close this work and reach my moment, my Jayadeva moment. I have grown, in my spiritual journey and He has taught me well. But nothing was possible without that last push and for that I realize now why I ended up visiting Him so often these last few months. He just made sure, I completed this manuscript, not in my way... but in His way. 

I barely wrote those words, but they stemmed from his consciousness. I barely strung them together, but the sweet fragrance of divinity was sprinkled by Him. I barely managed to complete it by noon, but He had devised His plan for me. It was truly accidental and while I tried to get my coordinates together, a friend walked in asking me if I wanted to visit Puri by night. It was unthinkable, 9:00 pm for a temple visit... does it even work? He was certain it did. But, none the less, “Yes” was my answer, and the divine excitement of meeting my Jagannath started to rise again, intensely, strongly leaving me speechless. This was not going by my plan, this was His plan and I was given a way to follow and sure enough, even the panda confirmed it was a better idea to finish it tonight.

We hit the road, with strange hope and even stranger anticipation of how the evening was going to unfold. So thick were the thoughts that I hardly realized when I reached Puri and we were hastily rushing to the temple, the panda had already called us thrice to figure out where we were. He caught us at the gate and we rushed in, as I carried the loose sheets of my manuscript packed into newspaper. I loved the ambience in the evening, the silent raas lila of Krishna Jagannath hummed in the air, in the winds. We lit lamps at smaller shrines, meeting Ganesha, Kasi Vishwanath, Ma Bhuvaneswari, Ma Mahalakshmi, and soon after headed towards the inner sanctum. 

There He was, my sacred world, my Jagannath adorned in silks, seated, looking back at me with a big smile on His face. We were ushered to a corner where I stood, staring at Him while the panda went ahead and kept the loose sheets of my offering at the Great Lord's feet. My Jayadeva moment had arrived. I stood speechless, feeling the warmth, feeling my emotions seek Him... I walked inside, around the sacred passage completing my pradakshina as I turned to Him again, this time closer, much closer. Everyone was warm, the pandas didn’t push me, and no one said a thing. I bowed to Him, looked at Him endlessly and thanked Him for calling me by night. Bowing down to Ma Subhadra and Balarama, I spend few silent moments there with them. There were no crowds, no noise. Just Him and me, silence outside, silence inside. He gave me what I had wanted.... He never disappoints. 

We headed back around 12:00am, along the peaceful stretch from Puri to Bhuvaneswar, as I reflected on the evening. Unplanned, fantastic, He had granted me my wish. I had planned to go there the next day, I did it anyway. I hit the road again at 6:30 catching the morning sun. This trip was about Him, everything else was incidental, a part of my karmic to do list. This was the real thing. 

Jagannath Puri, was filling up fast as I entered the temple, bhajans rang on one side, queues lined up everywhere and people thronged to the temple looking for hope, seeking faith, feeling his divine power. It was one of those moments of ultimate freedom on earth, where I am alone and I am just sitting on the steps of Lakshmi Mandapa staring up at the pinnacle of this magnificent 10 Cen AD architecture. Three good hours of bliss at the sacred shrine, practically spent with japa and silence as the crowds just buzzed around me. Its possible to feel the silence of Lord Jagannath in the middle of a lakh audience pushing each other to get a glimpse of Him. 

My panda was back, just like the genie in Aladdin, :) to magically help me through the crowd. And believe me he did it so amazingly well. The main door was shut down, the paths were packed with people and police yelled at poor folk who didn’t toe the dotted line. Can you believe the impossibility of this darshan when I hadn’t even gotten into line yet! I was blissful in the mystical world of Jagannath, hardly aware of the millions criss-crossing my way as I headed closer to the shrine. Close was not "close", we had access up to the second door way, two chambers away from the shrine. A couple of police men opened a corner door, as we walked through and sealed it immediately and we moved in swiftly. The crowds were crazy, a potential stampede was building up and in this sheer people force the panda said, bend down under the blockade and sit on the steps. Was it the panda or the divine intervention of Lord Jagannath, I don't know, but leaving the sheer madness of the crowds an inch behind, I sat at the steps for another 2 minutes, staring at Him, in my mystical silent world before I walked out. The sheer human force got me out of the temple as I found my footing again. I left the temple, almost breaking down into tears, it is possible to bypass the sheer volume of people if the Lord wishes it so. Before I left, the panda came back with a piece of red cloth, "this is a flag from the temple finial, this is for you". I opened the flag, it had the sacred mark of Chandra Bindu on it. Lord Jagannath had spoken to me, wished me well and gifted me his victory flag. 

I left the mad rush of the human world, walking out of the temple, this time, he truly touched my heart. He gave me more than I asked for, he gave me more than I deserved. 

Naachke Aye Natakhat Giridhar...He truly came dancing into my heart.

Jai Jagannatha - The Lord Who Never Disappoints!

It’s been a year with the Gods, I spent time with them more than I spent time with people. I lived with them, thought about them, loved them, prayed to them, adored them, sang to them... it has been so fulfilling and they didn’t disappoint. Lord Shiva, Ma Tara, Ma Kamakshi, Ma Kali are real in my head, more real than you and me. But recently circumstances presented themselves, events unfolded and I found myself heading to the temple of Puri more often than I had planned for. 

The larger picture is starting to get clear, the play of fate is a game am slowly getting to understand. There is a way to control things and not let it unfold as it feeds on our temperament. That’s when we rise towards being higher than just human. In this subtle reality, the mind has to work harder but if the heart is in the right place, it’s completely doable. Astrology helps to give direction, lets you know what’s coming but doesn’t get down to the depth of it...it lets you figure it out. And when the Daksha of fate comes to challenge us, hang on...face him with the army of Gods to support. Lord Shiva will come, or he will send someone. In my case, he sent Lord Jagannatha... and he didn't disappoint. 

I speak of a subtle reality, which has now become very loud. In my consciousness everyone around me now has become an actor, of a larger play and I am in it. Life has started to look up, people hardly matter for now my enemy is within, it’s me, it’s my fate... can I change it? I believe I can.

When we keep faith, when we surrender completely, I mean completely without doubts the Lord will act on it. And it’s an intoxication, the mind hardly wants to come back and live in this world. The other world is just more beautiful. Am I hallucinating, I wasn’t sure but when Lord Jagannatha just kept coming back I was certain, this is for real. Yes the heart has to be in love with him, the mind has to be persuasive and the magic of living can bring all the difference. Its deep, it’s fulfilling and it’s beyond human frivolousness. We are capable, more capable than we thought. 

The calling is strong, very strong and I just end up following my heart. Puri, land of the great Lord, a bustling temple swarming with people and with monkeys. Lord Rama is there with his Vanar sena, Lord Shiva has descended from Kasi, Lord Hanuman has come from the east gate and Goddess Mahalakshmi is seated on her throne. This dham, one among four, is the great seat of Lord Jagannatha, Neela Madhava... oh the bhava of surrender is just so amazing as we make our way into the sacred sanctum of the Lord who stands with Subhadra and Balarama. 

It’s a quiet chamber with a bit of day light streaming in and the lamp lights brighten up the interior. Ignore the sounds of the people and then you can feel the silence. Jagannatha stands there, with his hands spread out, with his eyes that don’t ever close, with his heart that is ever open to receive if we are willing to give. HE is my Jagannatha, my dear Lord, who called me again and again to visit him, to be with him, to surrender to him and to leave my heart behind with him for safe keeping. In this world of divinity, full of energy and divine secrets, its his home and its my home, my Hrydaya Kamalam where he resides, where Lord Shiva resides, where I have chosen to merge with him. 

Lord Jagannatha never disappoints, if we let go He will come to protect. Jai Jagannath!

Om Na Mo Bhagavate Vasudevaya