The dance of enlightenment

The sound of the damaru
A new life is born
A new rhythm set in divine motion
The dance of life
The dance of procreation
It is the churning of the ocean of life.
The Lord meditates, the world is stable
All is bright and peaceful
He brings in calm and warmth
Crushes the head of ignorance
Performing the dance of enlightenment
He is complete with charge
And with those thunderous steps
He sways in wild motion
Destroying all darkness
The flames of enlightenment
Form rings of light
Such radience, such dynamism, such grace
Oh what a sight to behold
These very flames burn all ignorance
And raise one to ever lasting bliss
There is silence on His face
A vision of another world
In the glow of the crescent moon
Cradled around gentle locks, the jatas
Oh burn me in the flames of enlightenment
Take me to that new beginning
Like a new born, innocent and beautiful.
Like a child in Your arms forever.

The flames of Shiva Lingodhbhava

I have reached the gates of heaven
It was a tough slow walk up
On hard pebbled pathway
laiden with still air and burning hot

Tiresome is the walk of life
A walk you have to make
To see the path to heaven
I am truely blessed with this grace.

As I approach the gardens of life
I feel the peace descend
I hear the music in the air
I feel the chill on my being

A small house cradled in green
Not a soul, just complete silence
A small river flows within
the deep crevasses of the mountain

They call it the mountain of fire
And yet there is water within
Life giving water when you hear its sound
Soul bearing strength when you drink it.

A small house in the mountains
A small shrine within its deep walls
A small lamp lights up the whole chamber
A small flame it lights in my heart.

My eyes close, my thoughts fade
As I feel the warmth of the flame
My soul searches for that lost land
Deep within my being.

I have been so lost, I have never known
The purpose of my existance
My heart sinks with sorrow
Pity over my lost self

My body still, my thoughts gone
my breath slow, my vision in haze
I stare at the wick, as it burns in flames
In a silent sea of light it displays

A sea so still, a mirror to me
So crystal clear, so new to feel
The oil holds up a vision to me
Within it a silent dancing flame.
A reflection so clear, so overwhelming
As the wick gives way to the Lord
He stands within His stony self
As the fire glows around him.

A throne of wick around a wall of fire
O Lingodhbhava, Thy great form
As endless heat and flames rise
Showing me the path to infinity

A boar digs deep so futile
A swan flies high in vanity
The boar pardoned in the warm flames of love
The swan burnt in the flames of pride.

The Lord stands in all Magesty
As the wall of flames cradles Him
Its rhythmic sway around the wick
As He feeds them with everlasting love

A vision so real, a feeling so wild
As I continue my walk of life
The world has realized my fiery side
They say they see it in my eyes.

*****************************************

Based on the mythology of Shiva Lingodhbhava(where Shiva appears within a mountain of fire that rises out of the sea and breaks the war between Brahma and Vishnu challenging them to find the ends of His infinite flaming Linga.) this coupled with a trip to Skandashram Thiruvannamalai.

Bhojeshwar Mandir, host of the largest Ancient Shiva Linga.

Bhojpur Madhya Pradesh:
There was this little kingdom ruled by Raja Bhoj in the 10th cen AD, who had very ambitious plans for his kingdom. Ambitious would be an understatement, for when we go visiting the now present Bhoj it gives us a glimpse of this great vision.

Locked into itself within a natural fort of hills with a little river flowing by is the land of Bhoj. Residing within the lap of a lush green untouched landscape among rocky cliffs and watered by a clear river flowing by, is this ancient little town that once boasted of great wealth. Its a slow life into paradise, where low boats ferry you down the river to the great dam built centuries ago. Big bolders of rock capture the water as it flows through bringing refreshing water to the land of Bhoj. The air is heavy with silence peace and tranquility, an atmosphere so absent in our current lives.

And right in the midst of this sea of green, in everlasting silence, stands a single chamber large and hollow with fresh cool air. It doesnt boast of elaborate craftsmanship, it doesnt boast of a kingdom once alive, it just brings back a towering concept that looms around in the mind as one walks up towards the huge structure - Bhojeshwar temple.

Sheer rock, heavy and large, piled up one over the other make up the main structure of this one chamber that needs no explanation. The darkness within, revealing towering pillars holding up the roof allowing partial light into the chamber. A hint of scupture gives an idea of what magneficence there would have been in the minds of those who planned this temple.

A silent magestic shiva linga once worshipped, now displays itself within this stark interior. No lamps, no flowers, just spotlit within its hollow interior. The sun's flames, the only light, the rain, the only water that bathes this linga, the wind, the only carrier of fragrance of flowers when all else is forgotten. The Lord stands there silent, an imposing self, still shining bright against polished stone.
Imagine a tune being hummed within these walls, as the air carries the notes and the sound echoes within the chamber, ringing in your ears. You wake up to that underlying rhythm of drums as the Lord dances in the heart of anyone who beholds him in his silent abode.

A temple half built, a vision half finished, a ramp half used, a roof half closed, a wall half built, a prayer that rings within its interiors, but a thought complete, an emotion felt.

Stone by stone, a temple in shape, put together with gigantic walls and pillars. What do we remove and what do we keep, what do we finish and what do we renovate. This temple stands all silent on a rocky ground holding up bolders of rock that once belonged to Raja bhoj. A deep breath in the silence, a thougth so crystal clear, a temple so imposing, even when its half finished... Such was the vision of Raja bhoj.

Please click on the pictures to see the enlarged view.
Photo courtesy: http://photos1.blogger.com http://www.shunya.net/

Offerings to Lord Shiva.

The realm of Vishvakarma
revealed to man a world of secrecy
brought down in stone.
Sinking the energy into the rock
from a world deep within my being.

I step towards it
gate by gate
cross each entrance with a heavy heart,
there is devotion, ther is fear
to truely realize what lies within.

As I enter, He cuts out the light
Images smile down from the walls
the Lord appears in various forms
to guide me through the darkness.

A step at a time a coconut in hand
I carry myself, my being with flowers
I am an offering I make to the Lord
to be one with Him in complete conciousness

The air is still, there is not a soul
the lamp lights dont flicker the walls are bare,
the world is silent
and the sacred hymns reverberate

there is fragrance in the air
there is warmth in the room
the Lord resides silent and still
the flames reveal the formless in stone
drawing me closer to Himself

My body behind, my soul in hand
the priest raises me into the air
he pulls off my ego
my curtain of illusion
and in a rhythmic flow of prayer reveals
to my third eye
the energy deep within.

The air stirs in vigor
as I dash to the floor
my ignorance broken,
my being revealed
the juice of potent energy flows out
to merge with the Lord

I do not exist in my body
I left that far behind
there is no breath, there is no thirst
there is no hunger, I know not fear
the priest raises the fire

My path to heaven
The Lord awaits at the door
to hold my hand
and lead me into a constant world
of complete conciousness.

***************************************
P.S. An offering of coconut and flowers is always made to the Lord at the main shrine. This is a possible significance.

Shore temple - a never ending saga.

When there is a convergence of two sciences, a truth is revealed.
When there is a merger of two resonating sounds the reverberation is felt.
When there is a culmination of thoughts between two minds a realization engulfs you.

Shore temple Mahabalipuram: Such was the state when i revisited Mahabalipuram yesterday. There was knowledge in the air, realization in the mind and excitement in the heart! I have visited Mahabalipuram too many times, and i have most often been the guide, telling people what to look for.

This time I went with my Guru since he had not visited the place. I thought i was an expert when it came to the Art History of Mahabalipuram. Strangely this time i maintained silence. There was this long moment of truth when two siences met, when i spoke on the basis of temple architecture and iconography and my Guru spoke on the basis of ritual. Ritual covers all the loop holes that art history misses out. This was clearly evident during our visit.

Art history helps to locate artifacts, and sculptures and gives the logical approach, ritual helps to explain them through subtle reality. This time the Shore temple had added a lot more meaning to my quest. It felt more like the jigsaw puzzle of truth was hidden all around it and prominently exhibited itself at the same time to all those who cared to take a deeper look.

Now let me explain. When you visit the Shore temple or any other old temple for the first time, the thrill has just begun. The first stage is of discovery. A visual display to the imagination you held about that place is now guided by the experience.

The subsequent few visits, display the most prominent facts to you, in the case of the Shore temple it would be two temples, assimetrically placed. Life size Nandis around the main wall and yalis along the walls of the temple. The temple has a platform, on which is the bhiti(wall), with niches and capitals with statues within them. A shrine chamber(garbha griha), with a path of circumambulation and maybe a vestible(antarala in larger temples). A strange reclining Vishnu on Ananta is sandwiched between the two Shiva shrines.

If the intrigue has lasted long enough and has made you look into books to look for what all this is about, then slowly more is visible. Built around 6th to 7th century AD, under the Pallavas, it was patronized by Narasimhavarman and Mahendravarman. The temple still follows the canons of architecture very strictly. It reveals a three tired roof and a five tired roof with strange architectural elements. Small heads called Kudu(tamil term, not sanskrit) figures lace the kapota (the base on which the roof stands). At this point all eyes are on the walls, which are profusely sculpted and the Vimana(roof) which is imposing and magneficent. You will realistically spend the next three years wondering about all the sculptures, their names, who they are and what are the stories behind them. You will find forms of Shiva you never heard of.

Lets assume you got the right books and stuck to them. The Pallavas were initially vaishnavite followers and later turned to Shaivism. Hence the sandwiched Vishnu is carved onto the bedrock and existed well before the temple took shape. Soon the attention shifts to the dwarapalas who are resting their body weight on the walls. Lions and elephants hold up the temple on thier backs and ganas are found every where. The linga is a three part stone of which the third part is embedded within the yoni and cannot be seen. What remains here is the depression in the floor. The panel inside the Garbha griha is Somaskanda panel. Mahishasuramardhini is found carved into the heart of a Lion on the side of the temple.

Conclusions: tolerance to different faiths, enough to leave two deities within the temple complex even if that was not precribed in the canons. Acceptance of the mother goddess cult as another equally potent cult by all faiths( that believed in male deities). Lesser gods like gandharvas and nagas suddenly appear on the walls and how did you miss them all along when they were so prominent!!

Then comes the next enlightenment! You just read about the Chalukyas who were contemporary to the Pallavas and therefore there is a sharing of ideas. The plinth is in chalukyan style and so is the science of carving dwarapalas though the style is pallava. How do we know that? One name strikes out of chalukyan guilds that coexisted with pallavas. Baladeva was a well known sculptor who specialized in carving dwarapalas and autographed his sculptures in pattadakkal. The same style is visible here.

Conclusion: an exchange of ideas and technique between the art worlds though there was war between Pulakesi(Chalukyas) and Mahendravarman(Pallava).

If this was not enough, well you have just about scratched the surface. You start looking at the ground plan, and the evolution of the temple. Judging by all the elements of architecture and going back into ancient architecture, the truth hits you that this was originally Buddhist architecture. The same elements take a functional position in Buddhist monastried in Ajanta and Bedsa. Meanwhile you might learn about the true nature of the Shiva Linga as being a part of Phallic worship and that you are actually worshipping the miracle of Procreation, no not the grose act but the subtle reality that governes it. Now the SomaSkanda panel suddenly makes more sense.

So now there is more to it, Phallic worship was a tradition as old as the Indus valley and there rose several subsects of Shaivism like Ligayats, tantriks and Pashupatas among others who had subtle differences in their rituals. The mother goddess cannot be eliminated and her form can be seen as Parvati, durga and Kali. It is also interesting that Somaskanda is another name for Muruga. And yes, Muruga was originally a dravidian war God before he got christened into the Shiva pantheon while Ganesha is a demi God who has now been elevated to God status with popular belief. None of them were born from the union of Shiva and Parvati.

There are many parallel thoughts running in your mind by now. One would be the connection of the Shiva Parvati icons with the philosophy of Kundalini yoga depicted through the Somaskanda panel. The meaning of life as we see it through the Mahishasuramardhini panel. The undying presence of Shiva and Parvati whose origins cannot be dated. And finally the presence of copulation scenes on some temple walls. Why is sex depicted too blatantly when our mindsets are against nudity.

It takes a long while for this one, the hidden presence of yantras all over the place which has ever so remained a secret. That the scenes on the Khajuraho temples were to hide this truth so that we, the uninitiated never get to see what is behind them(works brilliantly). The presence of a mandala that is at the ground plan of the temple. The presence of forms of Lord Shiva selectively places in various niches.

Every thing had a reason... and then my Guru spoke.

Temple characterestics and iconography for Indian deities.

The backbone of temple architecture is the presence of Guilds across various kingdoms in India. Their orders come from the royal architects and funds come in from the ruling patronage. Architecture and sculpture sustained their expression on temple stone walls and pillars by the Guilds. Kings didn't define the kind of temples to be built but patronized them, but the Guilds gave the temples and monasteries their form and structure by following the canon's of architecture laid down by the ancients, with respect to their faiths.

Therefore if a King wanted a shaivite, vaishnavite, devi, buddhist, or Jain shrine, they just had to give the orders for it, the rest was taken care of by the Guilds. Hence the characteristic features of each of these temples would be as follows:

Shiva temple (before the Cholas):

• The deities to look for in a Shiva temple would be, the Shiva linga stone within the Garbha griha, which is strictly the aniconic symbol. Shiva in human form is never found within the garbha griha.
• The wall behind the Garbha griha will always have the Lingodhbhavamurti (depicting Shiva's supremacy over Vishnu and Brahma).
• The Vahana is Nandi
  
• The south wall will always have devi/ Mahishasuramardhini. She was later replaced by Parvati.
• The north wall depicts either Ganesha and Karthikeya or other forms of shiva like Dakshnamurti, Trimurti or Harihara(this order changes from temple to temple). Older temples depict only Shiva on all walls. The devi in the form of Parvati is depicted standing with him (Kalyanasundaramurti) or ardhanarishwara, else she is depicted as Durga/Kali dancing with Nataraja.
• The others: Saptamatrika only in ancient temples, Bhringi on some walls but not in a niche, Chandikeshwara, Rudra, Ganesha, and Karthikeya in separate shrines if they are not on the niches of the main sanctum.
• If there are depictions of Vishnu and Brahma, they would be in praise of Shiva or in submission. The only exception with any reference to the Ramayana is Ravana Anugrahamurti where Ravana is depicted shaking mount Kailasa.
• Nayanars take their place on the precinct.
• 108 lingas are placed in a single location or around the main shrine.
  

Post the Chola period; Devi got a seperate equally large shrine next to Shiva and Vishnu shrines within the main temple. (eg: Brihadeshwara temple under Rajaraja Chola originally had only the shiva temple, the sub shrines were added later by Sembian mahadevi, a Chola queen and then later by Vijayanagar and Nayaka rulers.)

Vishnu temples:

• The dashavatara is found on all the exterior walls of a Vishnu temple, as well as on the pillars.
• Large depictions in older temples would include Trivikrama/Vamana, Narasimha, Vishnu seated on Ananta.
• Vishnu within the shrine chamber(garbha griha) is depicted lying on Ananta in the cosmic sea, else he is depicted standing in Samabhanga pose (standing straight backed with hand resting on mace).
• Vahana is Garuda
  
• Devi is often depicted with him in the Varaha form.
• Krishna is very rarely depicted, if at all as Krishna Govardhana and krishna stealing butter.
• Scenes of the Ramayana adorn the outer walls, but do not occupy the niches. Exception is for the Ravana Anugrahamurti where Ravana is depicted shaking mount Kailasa.
• Icons of Shankha and chakra can be seen around the temple.
• Garuda and nagas are often depicted, nagas specifically are in submission.
• Hanuman is sometimes depicted in Vishnu temples.
• Alvars are depicted on the temple walls and pillars.
  

Devi temples:

• Mostly depict various forms of the Devi, in soumya(soft) rupa and krodha(fierce) rupa.
• The central shrine is either Bhuvaneshwari (soumya rupa) or Durga/ Kali(fierce form)
• All devis in shrines mostly face south, be it from garbha griha, or in niches of shiva temples.
• Very prominent scenes in ancient temples would be the scene of decapitation where a devotee is seen chopping his own head and sacrificing his life to the Mother. (Orissa, Mamallapuram)
• Copulation scenes on the outside of temples, or alternatively Kanyas in seductive poses. (Konark and khajuraho)
• Very rare depictions of Shiva lingas, which is almost close to negligible.
• Vahana is a lion.
• Walls are adorned by worshippers, both royal and common folk.
  

Buddhist shrine - cave temples:

• Buddha depicted in certain mythological events like Miracle of Sravasti(buddha multiplies himself a 1000 times to beat his religious rivals including Mahavira), Parinirvana(Buddha in the state of Nirvana), Temptation of Mara(Buddha attacked by the three damsels and a whole demon army sent by Mara), Buddha begging alms from his wife. Most often depicted are Buddha giving a sermon or standing.
• Profusely painted on walls are the Jataka tales of Buddha's past incarnations.
• Padmapani and Maitreya come in later.
• There are no vahanas.
  
• Older Hinayana phase elements to look for are stupas, pair of slippers, pair of feet, and a bodhi tree with a pair of feet beneath it.
• Hariti and Panchika, where hariti has a child on her lap. She is the Goddess of smallpox, a child eating ogress whom Buddha converted into a protector. Panchika is her consort and also very well known as Kubera yaksha.

Jaina temples and caves:

• Jain tirtankaras and more tirtankaras.
• Gomateshwara and parshvanatha are a vew well known tirtankaras who can be seen in the Garbha Griha and on the walls of the cave temples.
• Sculptures are mostly nude.
  

Nagas are found everywhere, and so are river Goddesses, mithuna couples and gandharvas.

Shrines within Girivalam

Girivalam, in silence: On a full moon night Thiruvannamallai has a charm of its own. On one end it hosts a million pilgrims who walk the sacred path of Girivalam, and on the other nothing stirs in its silence. Every experience revolves round the sacred hill that hosts far more shrines than whats found scattered around the sacred road. We find all the Gods here, starting with Ganesha, leading the way to the Mother Goddess to Shiva Lingas scattered all over, popularly called the Ashta Dikapala Lingas. Krishna occupies a special seat near a temple tank along the road.

So what makes Girivalam so interesting! A walk down the paths that lead towards the hill off the main road, covered with trees and forests have more shrines than what we would imagine. One such mud road stands silent, with a lot of thorny bushes blocking the pathway with a forbidding picture a Kali at the entrance.The first though is that there could be a shrine for the Goddess further inside, maybe with a stone altar in front of it for animal sacrifice. But interestingly it is quite a different story. We decided to walk into the forests surrounding the hill and debated on what we would do should we encounter some wild animals or snakes in the early evening. Our heated discussion came to an abrupt end when we came upon a silent pond, bathed in traquility far away from all mankind right in the middle of nowhere!

A silent square pond with lots of fish and frogs, green with life with low branches of trees almost kissing its surface brimming with life... we could have almost taken a dive into its cool waters. The pond looked deep and clean as the sun's rays penetrated through the green canopy of leaves. Along the side were large stones with arrows pointing in a direction that indicated this was the ancient path of Girivalam around the main hill. This peaceful setting, the ancient path that disappeared into the forest, shielded from all the noise against the hill, also had a dilapidated house next door with a gaping hope to the side. As we explored the place, we found that the gaping hole led down a stairway to rooms under the earth right next to the pond. Too close i thought. Filled with rubble with the cieling almost falling in, we decided not to get too adventurous and came out of it hoping not to meet any lizards of snakes on the way out.

Once outside, this tranquil little place, spoke of an underground chamber right beneath our feet. We were just left to wonder what it could have been used for! Excited about the find but a little disappointed since we did not find any shrine for the Goddess, we walked back to civilization promising to come back here surely some day.

We drifted through the evening as we saw the full moon slowly climb up the sky from behind the great hill lighting up the whole forest again after the sunlight dimmed out. The night was silent with a cool breeze drifting through the trees. Clouds scattered around the sky drifted over the peak of the hill almost giving it a natural halo that revolved around it for a long while. It was a fantastic sight!

We walked to the Kannappa nayanar shrine embedded deep within the forest, our path now lit up brightly by the moonlight. Kannappa nayanar shrine stood silently ahead, with a stairway leading up to the small sanctum. We walked up slowly, after our conversation merged into the silence. None of us spoke, for what we experienced was true beauty and tranquility at its best.

We sat back on the stony floor, each to himself, bathed in the streaming moonlight, looking over the canopy of trees. The gentle breeze brushed over us leaving behind a cool comfort. The magestic hill stood behind, as my eyes rolled over from the floating clouds outside to the chamber within. A silent Kannappa Nayanar looked straight at me through the small shrine where a small oil lamp lit up his face and his silver plated eyes. It was simply awesome! Kannappa Nayanar stood there, reminding us of lost potency in spiritualism that once rules these lands.

Girivalam will live forever reminding us of every saint who made a mark in our history! Walking the same path is a choice we make.

Wonder of wonders, Miracle of miracles

Thiruvannamallai - 3 hours from Chennai.

Its a full moon night, Poornima, and the moon beams its gentle rays down on earth and lights up small spot lights along Girivalam, a narrow but sacred road that leads around the main hill. Its that time of the month, when couple of lakhs of people throng the temple and this otherwise peaceful road to attain salvation of some sort, or at least gain a few brownie points with the Lord. Dad decided to join the crowd, while I sat back with a friend of mine and watched the world go by, quite literally!!

I reflected on how I had even made it in there. I had no idea, cars were not allowed, I had no idea that Poornima calls for a lakh people walking across your feet all in one evening... and worse still, trying to get my way through an army of policemen. To make matters worse, the two way lane had been made a one way with police barricades and highway traffic had been diverted elsewhere. I closed my eyes, wishing against all hope to be allowed without question.

While driving down along Ramanamaharshi's ashram, I figured, that this was going to be hell, yet I tugged at the accelerator. One reaching the entrance of Girivalam, I was stopped by three inspectors, all of whom said there was no way four wheelers would be allowed, and that I should park my car on some way-side road and join the masses walking. I had to meet my Guru, the man who had trusted me and shown me the way, I had to meet him. That was the reason given, that I had no plans of walking and I wished to take the car through the wall of people. But no, there was no chance, until the inspector saw my father... "Your father is old, and its good to see that he wants to go around the hill. We dont allow anyone, but we shall let you through madam. "

It was funny, dad got down and started to walk, while the inspector told me to take a side lane and get onto Girivalam. And so I did it, dissolving every ounce of sympathy the inspector showed towards my "aged" father who is quite actually fit as a fiddle, far more than me! Driving down a wall of people with no aim but to cross the massive hill that stands near us, was not a joke. Little did I want to call attention onto myself by pressing the horn, I slowly moved with the crowd. It was the slowest my car had ever done! When I reached, my Guru was amazed - How did they let your car in? They dont let any car in, not even VIPs, not even CMs!

With my baby parked on the side, and a cup of tea in my hand, I stared on, at the oil lamps that lit the temples, at the rising flames of fire as people dropped in their camphor in front of the various shrines, at the very shrines now bright as ever with tube lights, killing every shred of serenity and awe that would lure anyone to strange promises of enlightenment from dark chambers within these temple walls. The road was alive, with people selling anything from "Venga Saandhu"(the black paste used to put a dot on small children to ward off evil spirits ), to huge posters of the new light called the Art of Living! There was just about every marketing gimmick that sold faith out for a few bucks... It was business time, and all the small shrines minted money with collections taking place, for temple maintenance and God knows what else.

I looked up to my Guru, why has the Girivalam Trust put a light inside the Garbha Griha? Isn't that wrong? This was the only shrine left, and they had destroyed that too.. I saw deep sorrow in his eyes, and helplessness, he was speechless. I knew what had happened. Greed for money had made them light up the interiors of these once powerful temples, so that people come and dish out more money at the various shrines, they didnt care for the shrines anymore.. it was all Money... What could my Guru have done, but live with these atrocities while his immense knowledge just stayed back in his mind.

We laughed over small things, simple things in life, on and off taking Simran's trip... she made amazing tea. Yes small things, simple things.. while we watched the seriously big things getting destroyed silently.

It was a different Girivalam I saw that night, one that posed a world of problems, one that showed the collective hope of a million people as they walked by, scarcely caring for the slow silent destruction of the very shrines they worshipped...

I left at 10.30 that night, promising to come back the next day, as I waded through the river of people, slowly, till I finally managed to get to the hotel, right next to the main temple gate. I walked into the reception to see a bewildered old man, the hotel manager who stood gaping, and all he could say was, "How did you get here, they dont allow cars through to the temple gate this evening, in the history of this place, yours has been the first car I know of that managed to come through!"

The Lord works in strange ways to make His presence felt!

A circle of Constants...

This is not about temples, but about the Self. Today, i went back to Google search, to refresh my decaying knowledge in Math and went through circles again. There was something about it, not about solving the toughest problems, not about the complexity it can take you into but that one simple thing that we call a Constant, often taken for granted but never explained. This time i chose to make a connect.

There is a constant in everything, including our lives, the concept of circles just being another such example of how varied their behavior is and yet there is a Constant that seems to give character to them.

Its very similar with us. The thirst for truth brings a variety of opportunities into our lives at various stages which need not be socially acceptable. There are many moments when people comes face to face with themselves wondering whether they should make that move towards the truth or continue in their routines. Its a choice you make based on the trust you have in yourself to look for this Truth or Constant, and the courage you have to disconnect with your familiar world.

Yes, the familiar world that you define as home, and all the people and components that go into its making. You might have made it yourself during the hunt for your Constant, that which largely is a subconcious search surfacing on and off while it remotely connects with events in your life. Those are your moments of absolute excitement, excitement you cannot explain but just emote. There is a Constant within you, not necessarily defined with a formula, or given a form(religion tries to do that for you). I grew to realize this in a warped sort of way.

My first definition of a Constant as i saw it was with family, but it brought in its own share of problems/ instability and didnt seem to follow the definition i had laid out for it either in reality or conceptually or in subtle reality. I realized somewhere that family was not where the Constant was, as it was more of an external element and not entirely my own. I moved my Constant away from people and home, realizing pretty fast that they were incapable of such position purely on the grounds of expectation and rule sets laid down by role play- family, marriage, etc.

Somewhere down the line it dawned on me that my work, which i possible considered as my Constant for a while, was not the right place either. I ended up getting into more of people management since actual performace was being taken as a given (Its like "We also make steel" - TISCO). I also realized that my Constant doesn't depend on whimsical people around me for my Constant is way too important to be tossed around.

So here I am, redefining my Constant to myself, its something that is purely mine, and does not call for outside interference, that is anyone beyond me. My Constant is that which stays with me and i derive my energy from it to define myself, to live, to understand, to perform, to survive and make myself concious of it every moment in the day. My Constant is not for me to share, but to help anyone look for their own. My Constant is formless, and i have chosen to define as Shiva, nothing more, nothing less. My Constant is visible in the Beauty of Lord Shiva, its defined in his dance, its felt in his fury, its awakened in his third eye.

A moment longer at Elephanta caves, Mumbai.

Elephanta caves, Mumbai: A moment longer at Elephanta caves can give a life time of happiness. Sounds strange, but when you discover the value of such an amazing monument, your mind rests on it forever. You know, these monuments scattered around our country side do not just stop with being tourist attractions but have greater value when we try to understand them a little more.

Art historians like George Michell, scanned the entire caves and brought out a book the beautifully represents Elephanta pictorially to the average reader. It has a few very interesting things about it that triggered my thoughts further on Elephanta, and it just blew my mind when i realized what i possibly found. I might be wrong, but i dont feel so.

Elephanta's main cave hosts a four doored chamber which contains an incomplete Shiva Linga. In front of it stands a hall of pillars rather unassuming to start with. I think the cave faces east and on the south wall is our very famous Trimurti. Is all this leading somewhere, maybe... Lets walk a step back, what is Elephanta caves all about?

Elephanta caves hosts a complete cave dedicated to Shiva, with 11 iconographic representations from his various mythologies, 11 out of 25 forms of Shiva have been depicted here. Ok, if you though Vishnu was 10 and Shiva was 1, let me correct this, Vishnu is 10 but Shiva is about 25 forms.
This does not end here, i do not know the reason for picking these particular sculptures, am yet to figure that out, but what i know is that, what George Michell tried to conclude in these caves was that the ground plan represented some sort of a mandala that looks like this.



The square on the left is the shrine chamber that hosts the Shiva linga within it. The point i am trying to make is that much as he hit the nail on the head and said it represented a ground plan, i think he got it wrong diagramatically. Why do i say this?

For this we need to move away from pure are history and architecture towards ritual. The worship of Lord Shiva brings in the use of mystical diagrams like yantras to perform fulfilling worship of the Lord. The most auspicious yantra that represents Lord Shiva looks like this.


Now, counting the number of squares within this yantra we come to 25 (5x5) squares. Superimpose this on the ground plan of the cave, but not diagonally. The floor of elephanta now represents a living yantra, each square marked by a pillar at the corners, with the shrine chamber at the first square of row three, meaning square 11. (i hope you got the square) I think this number 11 is coincidental and may not symbolically represent the number of Shiva scultpures inside these caves. What remains a mystery to me right now is whether there was a lot more to this ritualistically or was this purely a representation to carry the tradition forward.

Now this might look normal and matter of fact to you. Well it does not look normal or matter of fact to me. I have woken up to this after 2 years of breaking my head on it, and man! this enlightenment makes a difference to me and makes me want to value these sculptures more than just beautiful depictions on stone. This is a hint of the potency that evolves when architecture and ritual combine which our ancestors have left behind for us, to take note of and pursue ( i dont mean to preach).

The more we soak ourselves in it, the more we dig deeper, the clearer it gets, and we are brought face to face with this potency. I cant explain this.. but i can only say its worth all the study i did, its worth all the frustration i have been through, its worth all the belief and faith i bank on! There IS something here to be looked at, cherished and valued.

Chaunsath Yogini temple

Chaunsath Yogini temple, 10th century, near Bhuvaneshwar:

The goddess, lesser known throughout the world but one of the most potent deities here, has long intriguied me. Though i am still reasonably unclear about her many forms, i am aware that Kali has ten forms called the ten mahavidhyas, though i dont quite know how the 64 yoginis fit into this pantheon.
The female form has played many roles, as shakti, as the goddess of fertility etc. but strangely few temples have been completely dedicated to Her.



This temple, better known as the Chaunsath Yogini temple, finds other references in the 64 shrines found around Khajuraho. I do not think i am completely equiped to talk about the many forms of the Goddess, but I do know that there is something entirely strange about this temple.

For one, this temple follows none of the old canons of architecture precribed in the holy texts, but is built on a circular ground plan quite unlike all the other temples that are square or complex versions of it. The central platform, possibly a shrine in the olden days is square and has no roof. This temple is not apsidal, therefore it does not have any remote connection with Buddhist influences. Its therefore very clear that these temples attributed to the Mother Goddess, were restricted to themselves and were not half as popular and well known as temples associated with male deities. There is one thing about this temple though, its plan can be very clearly associated with the aniconic symbol of Shiva, The linga with emphasis placed on the Yoni aspect.

Other interesting feature around this temple are that every male deity except Shiva are replaced by a female counterpart including Ganesha. The temple also hosts forms of Bhairava and Chamunda, who are better known as the fierce forms of Shiva and Kali. There definitely has been a lot of tantrik practices that have been taking place here for sure.

One of the most interesting and unique sculptures found here is that of "Ekapada Shiva" or the one legged Shiva. He is also known as Ajaikapada Bhairava. There are only two references to the presence of such a form, one here in Orissa and the other very strangely at Shore temple Mahabalipuram.

All in all, what ever the current state of the temple, it would have been very interesting to see the original form of this temple in completion as well as the potent sacrifices that were done here and the rituals practised here to appease the Goddess Chamunda!

Interestingly Chamunda has always been associated with Bhairava, even in the Vittal Deol temple in Orissa, better known as a remote temple that performed strange human sacrifices to appease this fierce form of the Goddess.

He presents Himself

He presents Himself in the light
of the oil lamp
and yet i see only the darkness

He presents Himself like
a full bloom lotus
and yet i miss the fragrance

He presents Himself in
the twinkling stars
and yet i miss the glow in His third eye

He presents Himself with
the crescent moon
and yet i miss the calm silence

He presents Himself in
a firey dance
and yet i miss the madness

He presents himself with
grace within my mind
and yet i miss the rhythm

He presents Himself in
the chilling air
and yet i miss His warmth

He presents His knowledge
within His stony self
and yet i miss the wisdom

He presents Himself in
all nothingness
and yet i miss His truth

He presents Himself with
me through out my life
and yet i miss his presence

He presents Himself with
me in all completeness
and yet i feel the emptiness

He presents Himself here
to save me from me
and yet i dont see the difference.

The calling - Darasuram Shiva temple

Its a bright sunny morning,the smoke rises out of the kitchen as she gets the aroma of a delicious brahmin meal in the making. Her father heads to the temple next door, to do the routine abhishekam for the day, while her mother gets ready to weave the next silk saree.

She hums a little tune to herself as she freshens up and looks out at the trees dreamily as the shimering leaves sway in the gentle breeze. She watches the birds with colorful feathers sing to each other as they make home. Dressed and ready for the day, she pins up the jasmine flowers onto her head and tucks the davani onto her waist and walks out of the house to head to the temple next door.

Its an old temple, not too big, not small either but simply beautiful. She rings the big brass bell hanging down at the hall, its ring reverberating through the walls. Its a calling, to the Lord that she has arrived to serve him again. She sings a melodious tune to herself as she sweeps through the hall while her father offers abhishekam to the deity within. She advances near the main shrine, the most beautiful shrine she has seen and been close to all her life.



She walks through the silence as the cool breeze shuffles her hair. She watches the fire dancing gentle as it clings to the wicks of the oil lamps. She observes the dancers all along the walls as they perform for the Lord, movement that she had wished she could grasp, movement that she saw even through stone. They danced and played the drum, they went in rhythmic motion, she could swing with them and bring it all back alive, she could hear the music in her ears as she swayed with the wind following the poses on the wall.



True beauty, pure love, that no one could touch, pure music in her heart as she danced her way through the pillars, pure rhythm in the feet as she felt each sculptural pose in her fingers as she bent backwards feeling them on the wall. The wind rang the bells in gentle motion, the fires seems to join the dance flow, as the idols in the niches watched on to see her, the performer on the floor.

She walked into the darkness, closer to the lord, through the dark passage occasionally lit by patterns of sunlight. Her anklets made the only sound she could hear as she stepped closer to the Lord's chamber. She was now as close as she could get, in front of the dark room, where he stood. She looked at his stony self, a silent Linga, draped beatifully in the lamp light. The intoxication rising as she felt it right through her skin, rhythm still in her mind, she swayed with the beat as the Lord danced in her mind. The madness ever rising, the darkness giving way to the eternal light, she watched the the fire flicker into haze as she swooned to the floor.

She had looked out of the grilled windows all these days, longing for her prince, wanting to know which land he would come from. He had been here, right by her side, always there, watching her every step in pure bliss as He took her in His arms, every day as she swooned listening to the rhythmic beat in his feet.

**************************************************************
P.S. Darasuram hosts a shiva temple surrounding which live a lot of weavers who make our most famous silk sarees. This just brings alive the feelings of one such innocent life.

Galaganatha temple, Pattadakkal - prototypes of structural indian temples.

Galaganatha temple, Pattadakkal, Karnataka:

Karnataka boasts of some really interesting temples that are lesser known but more important in the path to maturity of architectural styles that later governed the imperial Cholas and Vijayanagara kingdoms in the south, as well as the Orissa and Khajuraho. Aihole, Badami and Pattadakkal were the seat of architectural experiments that took place in the post Gupta era, during the rule of the Chalukyas of Badami.

Galaganatha temple is one such temple, hardly known to us but would be considered a complete learning experience to anyone who sees it. What remains of this temple is the cross section of a once complete temple now in ruins.



At first look, it paves the way to Orissa school of architecture (a combination of Nagara and Bhumija styles), the elements seen in later Orissa temples like the Lingaraja, Mukteshwara and also the Vittal Deol temples. What is more interesting is the pronounced approach to the various parts of the temple roof.

For one, the most striking feature is the deep dark passage of circum-ambulation that surrounds the main shrine. The central door leads to the shrine proper within which the deity resides. Interestingly the sloping roof was experimented upon, in this temple as well as at the Hucchimalli Gudi temple also found at Pattadakkal.

In fact even more interesting is the point that the interior of the temple within the shrine chamber and the roof (vimana) above it was one hollow room, which displays itself is greater extravaganza in later temples like Brihadeshwara at Tanjore and Gangaikondacholapuram. It also shows a process of multiple floors in the making, which can be seen in Varadaraja Perumal temple Kanchipuram (Pallava style).

What appears here as a gaping hole in the tower (top most window) is called the Gavaksha window (chandrasala in the north and kudu in Tamil), which used to host a form of the deity within. In fact that was the only way to find out to whome these temples were attributed, given most of the shrines are now missing. The lintels above the door still show signs of possible iconographic carvings of the deity within.

This is one example of a temple in early stages of development, where we can quite clearly understand how to identify the deity to which it has been attributed, should all the idols inside and on the niches outside go missing.

Original photos ©2002 Michael D. Gunther.

Shore temple in true grandeur!

Shore temple, Mamallapuram - Tamil Nadu
By day its a simple temple. two roofed and gorgeous to an unsuspecting onlooker who visits this site for the first time. Innocent nandi bulls guard the entrance of this two shrine temple as it speaks of erosion and lost past glory. Yes very obviously its an ancient Shiva temple and flaunts the iconography of Lord Shiva all through. But is that it?

Look close, for this temple holds more secrets than what the normal eye can see. For one, to the trained eye, it speaks of a plinth (platform on which temple stands) that is more chalukyan than pallavan in nature. Two, it sandwiches a reclining vishnu in the center, and three, it holds two shiva lingas opposite to each other one facing west and one facing east. Does all this look normal to you?

Lets move back a little. This temple displays a congregation of many cults, or lets say all the Hindu cults known at that point in time. This would exclude the buddhists and jains. What this temple displays is the presence of an ancient vaishnavite cult that was over powered by the shaivite cults(supported by royal patronage) because of which there are two towering vimanas over Lord Shiva's shrines. It shows tolerance towards vaishnavite cult since lord Vishnu has been allowed to continue reclining and has not been uprooted from his chamber, interestingly he stayed carved well into the bedrock on which the shore temple stands. That apart it shows the strong presence of the devi cult more in the form of Parvati and Mahishasuramardhini - the two forms of the goddess that have been profusely carved across Mahabalipuram. Vishnu is either depicted as Himself or as Varaha.
But stranger cults exist among the shadows of this temple. The naga cult dominates the walls of this temple with five hooded serpent deities around its four walls transforming the whole look of the temple. This really takes ones imagination to wonder what could be called regular sacrifice at this temple.

As the sun sets in the evening, the temple priest lights up the oil lamps within their triangular niches into the temple walls. The darkness now wiped out by shimering lights that dot the temple allow for much larger ritual fires at the main temple platform. Fire, the path to heaven, the path to immortality, rises into the air as incense is lit right around the area of ritual. Drum beats pierce the air as the smoke and fire rise up to call on the dieties to come down into the forum of men. Rhythmic beats of the ancient drums with a slow constant rumble of the waves along the beaches completes the ambience of this small temple. Vedic chants rise into the air and the ritual takes full force. The heat generated calls on the very Gods to come and take a seat. The prayers roll out in rhythmic breath to the Mother and the ever present Lord Shiva as they are brought to life, into divine visibility. The Lord decends with the crecent moon dancing among His locks. Mystical diagrams paint the floor of the temple as oil lamps light up the temple bringing alive celestial beings who fly down showering flowers over the potent couple. Gandharvas play music as they fly around as tiny lights. The chanting creates rhythmic motion making the worshipers sway with the beat. The fire rages on and brings around the very beauty of the creator, as He comes alive with the Goddess to reunite and once again bring to earth the miracle of creation.

The fire dies down, the chanting continues to ring away within the mind. The sun rises again shimering among clear waters of the sea as it dances in its lap. The temple awakens again to another unassuming tourist passing by...

How then can one assume this temple is a mere collection of stone, that speak nothing but a tradition long gone? Its alive, very much alive well within my heart.

The churning of my ocean

I live in the ocean of life,
deep refreshing blue waters of life.
On a steady hill of order,
resting on the back of society,
of culture, tradition and faith.
I stay here and try to find
My complete truth i call within myself
while my demons and my angels
fight a deadly tug of war within my very mind.

I pray to you O Lord Vishnu
give me the stability i need
within my sphere of my people,
my feelings, my role in life
He protects me like a giant tortoise
giving me nothing more to fear.
I try hard to go within myself,
while my emotions swing like a serpent
As i perform within my life
my wheel of karma.

I grow, i churn, i evolve
extracting myself from myself
as i pour forth all poison
and negate all negative thoughts
within my being.
i suffer, i writhe in pain
as my emotions and my thought torment
while the world outside complains
on me being really me.

And while i grow and churn myself
O Lord Shiva help me so
Let not my poison affect
these beautiful waters of life.
He comes and takes my poison,
swallows it within Himself to help me grow,
to help me see while he saves the world from me

I dive deep into thought
i dive deep into action
i dive deep into myself
to extract the beauty within.
I glow, i am blessed
with the grace of the Lord
as i shine forth to all around me.
giving them in sweet words
the true nectar of life.

and to that very society i return
with true faith and virtue in sweet words i recite
the beauty of the Lord within.
I might live on, i might die
it does not matter no more
for i have seen my beauty within hidden,
deep within my being.

My ocean of nectar flows to the Mother
who gave me this new birth.
I worship you O Mother
You who protect me all through
You have brought me to myself face to face,
you have shown me who i am
i no not exist i do not live
i am but a speck of dust
forever at your lotus feet.

Death - the most over whelming experience.

Death is an interesting concept, in my mind its too interesting so much so that i consider it the greatest reality, the gateway to the greatest truth which we are all looking for. Yet interestingly it brings fear with it, unfamiliarity and a forbidding void in our hearts and mind and is most often considered to be unspeakably negative.

It has been our obsession, to be remembered in history, to be revered and also maybe to leave a legacy behind - for what purpose, I wouldn't know, maybe to pamper our own ego that the world can't do without us. We want to leave impressions behind either in thought or in action. By action i mean propcreation. This brings the need more often than not,to spread our genes and in some remote sense feel good that we managed to add to the hope of our immortality.

So all in all where are we really fooling ourselves? Why do we want to be remembered? Isn't it the biggest ego hassle we really have. The want to remain in a familiar environment because you cannot digest what is ahead? I mean people dont even want to talk death, if i talk death they think i am going through problems in life. "Life is a celebration"... well so is death.

My aunt died last night. She was a very nice lady. When I heard about it, i didnt feel sad, I was watching the times, the older generation was giving way to the younger, she was the 2nd to go. We were all growing old. Somewhere in all the barrage of calls I felt she was the only one who knew the real truth while the rest of us still look for it. I envied her. She possessed a peice of knowledge i didnt have. Hmm... interesting.

The best compliment i have received is from a dying lady who told me that i had been a wonderful person during her last days on earth - our reality. That was her parting message to me . I felt she would remember me in the next world.

When we hear someone has just passed away, its a reminder that that reality will come to our doorstep some day soon. It is a reminder that it is the next truth after birth and all that is inbetween is an illusion we get sucked into and hate to get out of. I just hope when my time really comes, i am completely equipped to handle it with my mind and my heart and do not run away from it like an ignorant fool.

The moment of void - the moment of truth

Have you felt that moment of void when you suddenly feel silence around you.
That moment when you dont connect with anyone in the same room,
when you sit back and wonder what the hell you are doing there?

I felt that a lot of times,
when i simply felt i owed nothing to nobody and belonged no where.
When i felt detatched from the things i did every day.
When i asked if there was anything beyond going to school and coming home.
When i felt that i didnt fit into the world i was supposedly part of.
When i felt that my world was else where, a make belief world within my head.
When the world looked like a bunch of vague dead bodies walking around me.
when their worlds didnt seem to have anything to do with mine.
when they had their own problems and didnt want to share them with me.
when i realized all of us had the same problems and didnt handle them too well.
when i wondered what the big deal with all these problems was.
when i didnt understand why people were so overwhelmed with their emotions
when i questioned emotions that sprank up within me
when i wondered why the expression on my face didnt match the feeling within
when i contradicted my own self
when i realized the mechanics of being human
when i looked into the mirror and asked "is that really me"
when i felt i was looking at someone else altogether
when i felt my body was just a mechanical object subjected to functional problems
when i wanted to just be alone and not talk to anyone
when i felt i was just plain wierd
when i couldnt explain the intensity of my being to anybody
when i dug up the past and read all the books
when i wondered why ancients built so many temples and decorated them
when i realized the actual value of ritual that we call superstition
when i realized the trivial things that people call important
when i realized my curiosity to know death, the end
when i realized i will not exist anymore to anyone.
when i realized my mom will go one day and will she ever be my mom again
when i wondered whether the roles i play in life have a lesson to teach.
when i realized i am NOT all that important.
when i felt happy that i AM nobody, nothing.
when i felt i could do without outside attention from other people
when i felt i didnt need appreciation nor did i need approval
when i realized this is ME and you have no choice in the matter
when i wondered if this was all there was to life.
when i know i am just waiting for time to pass and drop me my pearls of wisdom.

while i wait for the final day when i die, to know what death is all about.

Durga - her attributes and iconography

Durga: Also known as Mahishasuramardhini, she is the personification of all male energy, and she sure has a lot to hold. She is most often depicted in a standing posture, with one leg over the Buffalo demon mahishasura, while her vahana - the lion- is seen devouring the demon. She is one of the forms of Kali and is worshipped widely across the country as the potent female energy. She often appears eight handed or more, each hand carrying a weapon that belongs to the Gods Here is a glimpse of what her weapons are.

Sculpted most often as a Goddess with many arms, she carries the following weapons:

cakra (disc), pa_s'a (noose), an:kus'a, bow, arrow, mu_s.ala (club), s'akti (spear), axe, khe_taka, vajra, staff or sceptre (yaks.am), bhusundi_ (missile), mudgara. Her hands may also carry a flag, a lotus, a plough, a mirror, a kaman.d.alu (water-pot), honey-cup, rosary (aks.ama_la_)

She is also sculpted with only two hands, one of the hands may hold a s'u_la or pa_s'a weapon.

Her mudras: Mudras are very interesting mediums of expression of emotion and attitude. Each finger is an energy center within itself. The energies are both positive and negative. Depiction of mudras is a sort of sign language, very evolved in nature. Mudras are most often used during ritual and dance, and popularly depicted on sculpture and painting.

Here the goddess is depicted in four mudra (hand-postures); these express attributes of protection, benediction; they also inspire terror or affection.

The time and faith relationship.

Is time the most important thing in our lives?

This is a question i asked myself this morning and i was quite startled with my thought process. I have taken to believe a few things after observing how our community reacts to various situations. This is one example. I went to the temple early monday morning to see the face of Lord Ganesha in the light of the rising sun. (been doing a few of these crazy things).

It was the day of the eclipse, and everyone was aware it was going to commence around 5.10 pm and go on till about 6pm. It was said to be the most auspitious time, as it fell on a no moon day and had a few more complicated features with respect to our age old panchangam. At the temple, there was a massive gathering, at 6.30am, and a whole lot of people had come by to perform their ritual toward ancestral worship. They also said that certain constellations would be affected because of this, mine being one of them. Hence the trip to the temple.

My mind just dwelled on this for a while. The eclipse was fixed, it was scheduled and everyone's life revolved around it. The over all population of chennai city went down on the road during the time of the eclipse. If i have to go the traditional thinking way, time appears to be the soul most important thing in our lives.

Most importantly the present. We seem to live in every other sphere of time except NOW. My thoughts are about what happened in the past and my attempts to relive them if they were good. Or my thoughts are completely about what has to be done in the future. But i miss out the vital moment of NOW.

Now let me look at it from another perspective. There are lots of things i used to consider important which are not that way anymore. There was a time when my job was the place where all my passions flowed out but now, i think otherwise. Its not mine to worry so much. Then my passions rolled out on my life and the people around me, but they scarcely even began to understand me. It didnt make that difference when i wanted to burst out to tell them the most amazing thing i had discovered and as i yelled with joy i just saw it boomerang back to me!

It took me too less time to realise i live in a lone world of my own and everything around me just exists in a lone world of its own. Leave alone that, there also seemed to be a lot of elements of shall i say "Rahu and Ketu" that seemed to add trouble to my life. The only way i chose to answer it was to see it through, disconnected instead of getting overwhelmed with my emoitonal reactions towards it.

It made me wonder, this is life, when all goes well or does not, and we have all these Godly elements adding fuel to the fire depending on our so called past karmas. But if i didnt let them have their due, and didnt let the situation affect me and let it pass like all events do, i noticed a strange peace within myself which seemed to reduce even the events of my life to almost insignificance. This left just one thing in my life to worry about, the unanswered passion within me that causes the unrest in my mind and heart.

There had to be a solution to the passions welling up inside me, someplace to let it lose. I knew it was beyond anyone to understand and it was too precious to waste on anyone beyond myself and a few people I really adoured. But largely given my nature of being by myself led me to turned to Lord Shiva, concentrating on His form every time i felt excited about something. It has since been an amazing experience.

Simple peace, where time comes to a halt, where i simply sit back in the bliss of imagining the Lord dance in a moon lit night with the Ganas by the fire as he raises his graceful body in the pose of Tandava Nataraja. I just stop to keep seeing that picture of him in my mind constantly hoping that moment will never end. I came to realize i was completely in the Present. Every moment, an experience within itself, powerful, silent and ever constant.

My mind is at rest. There is nothing called time. I am and i will always be. Ever in the present.