Srinivasan sat down to pray, he was tired, tired of life, its miseries, tired of people. He sat down to spend some time with the Lord, wishing he could give more time than he had to just thinking and being with the Lord. He thought back on his life, and remembered his frustration over not understand the root principle of his deepest desire that drew him close to these temples and yet he could not explain the intensity of that emotion to anyone.
It had costed him many sleepless nights, frustration of doing things he didn’t like and of not spending time where he really wanted to. He was exhausted with life, and failed to understand this uncanny thirst he suffered without reason. He wondered about the temples, the sheer rocks that made them, the echo and tune when hit upon the sharply chiseled sides and the hollows that reverberated with the music of the heavens. He wondered about the odors, the chill in the interiors, the play of light and darkness and the many forms that embraced him as he walked through the silent corridors. He thought about the elaborately carved pillars, the symbols of divinity sprinkled all over the walls and ceiling, and everything was so magical as they called out to his heart asking him to look a little closer but yet he found nothing, he didn’t understand the meaning. This ate into his mind; the deep desire to want to know these aspects had made him act on various impulses yet nothing answered the restlessness within his mind which continued to persist.
Srinivasan began his worship, looking at the Lord in complete adoration as his hymns gathered momentum and reached certain equilibrium. He had begun to sway; he had touched the feet of the Lord in his mind and offered flowers. He sang to the Lord praising him with gratitude for granting him this opportunity to clear his mind and worship him. He felt blessed that he was able to perform puja of a serious nature while the rest of the world shunned it and consumed itself looking for immediate benefits.
Srinivasan saw the temple in his minds eye again. Why was he so drawn to it? Why did he break down into tears when he walked around it? Why did he feel bliss in the scorching heat of the rocky floor in the hot sun as he walked around it? Why did his heart swoon to the Lord in the inner sanctum, why did his eyes well up with tears, why did he break into song of divine words and why was his heart so heavy that he couldn’t breathe anymore.
Srinivasan's voice broke as he forced the mantra strongly as he sang; he was overwhelmed as he sat facing the Lord. He was breaking down again when his mind woke up once more. He had felt the Lord within his heart, he had felt the power of the Lord within the temple sanctum, he had felt the force that draws only the pure hearts, he felt the Lord calling him every time. Srinivasan broke down. His quest about himself was ending and he was beginning to piece himself together. He was coming face to face with himself, as another entity, realizing what all he, Srinivasan, really wanted. As the mantras heightened, and the rhythm filled the air drowning every sound around it, Srinivasan just broke down. It took 15 years to answer one questions, it took 15 years to realize one aspect about himself, it took 15 years to let the temple talk to him and touch his heart, it took 15 years to realize the force, the power of the Lord call him, and make him realize he was able to even connect with them!
Srinivasan was exhausted, almost paralyzed in bliss as his body awakened to this new found knowledge within his mind. The world looked a distant reality, its troubles were trivial and its people were a lost herd of sheep waiting for their master to help them out of their aimless lives. He was awakening his mind and it was so fresh and open and so receptive to the tunes of heaven, he could barely believe he had made it to the doors of Kailasa within his mind. He prayed again, raising the lamp of enlightenment to the Lord. He thanked the Lord for this moment that he would keep as his own and explain it to no one for they wouldn’t understand what bliss is. This was a quest about himself that was answered, he was now a step closer to the Lord, he was Atman touched and realized again for a brief moment, and He is Shiva the moment of truth.