A Conversation with My Divine Family

It's been a journey this far, one into deep spiritualism... deeper than you have been possibly, and also one of the most enriching. There is fatigue and intoxication in the mind. Fatigue because I am determined to see my divine family, in this world and in the next and my search is not quite taking me anywhere. Intoxication because they are making doubly sure this search continues and I don't give it up for any  reason. I thought this was a subtle tease until I was posed with a very deep question... One that has started me on a new journey, a different journey. 

The circumstances of having gone to Jagannath, of having visited the temple and experienced the depth of Neela Madhava Bhava to some degree has left me saturated with such emotion. This divine intoxication led me to take a daring trip to the remote shakthi peetha of Tara Ma and despite warning of lack of safety in the rural region of West Bengal, I dared to surrender to MA Tara and tell her to protect me.

With Lord Jagannath residing in my heart and the beckoning call of Tara Ma, I headed out of a way side hotel in Tarapith to meet her at 3:00am. They say that the form of Ma Tara actually hides a deeper potency within herself, the sacred form of her feeding Lord Shiva; but what I had thought was all there is to it 2 years ago, led me to believe there was more. This form actually hid yet another vigraham within it and it had eaten into the reserves of my unending curiosity to know what that firm really was. Yes, I had kept this hunger going for 2 years, I had made it my purpose to know what was within that which the panda so carefully had hidden away...or maybe Tara MA herself for she did want me to come back again to bathe every form of hers that I subsequently discovered.

I had been excited about performing the abhishekam of what I thought was the inner form when I realized it was but a teaser to a form deeper within it. The discovery of Tara Ma has taken me 3 visits spanning few years. And sitting in a wayside shop waiting it out for a panda left me reflecting on what a friend of mine had said the previous night.

"It's a long queue at 2:30am, that continues till 3:30 with or without a panda and we get a glimpse of the inner form for a few seconds. 

But the instructions of the panda were otherwise. "Come at 3:00am and we will take you inside." Here were conflicting pieces of information, packed with added stress when the panda's wife replied to our frantic calls saying he was unwell and couldn't make it, led me to wonder what was in store. I was not going to curl up and sleep, I was going to brave it through the dark streets of the night. I was here for it and I was not going back without it.

Yet this intoxicated heart could barely wait to see her, as her intense mysticism overpowered my soul and no, no human was going to mess around with this sacred rendezvous.

With the panda's son's arrival to lead us into the temple at 4:00am, I had no clue what was lined up but the size of the offerings in the basket indicated there was a lot to be done. We waited our turn in a rather empty temple while few others were inside offering their prayers. We were called in, and I set eyes on her mysterious self, her core, the inner most idol, her potent earthly form that stood there awaiting me to bathe her. 

I am particular about what thoughts cross my mind at these moments for they govern my perspective of life back in my mundane world. And in this blank mind every thought that trickles through is a potent message from my spiritual family, and I wait for the next order or pearl of wisdom.

And in the silence of the chamber, in he silent waters of my mind I heard the swirling question come towards me. 

"I have given you my heart in a Saligrama, I have given you my life energy that it breathes with. I have shown you what there is to see in my earthly splendour be it at Kanchipuram, be it a Puri, be it at Lingaraja, be it at Tarapith. I have granted your wish to visit and discover everything there is to my earthly form. And now I ask, have you found me? Is this all there is to know about me? Or do you perhaps need to start looking within to go on this search?"

The question stung me hard. Go within, that's all I thought, but how and where?

I have crossed the threshold, some kind of threshold, I don't know. I have lost my anger to compassion. I have shrunk my materialism to triviality in relation to deeper faith. I have lost my expectations to forgiveness and tolerance. I have lost my earthly attachment to divine love. And now the path has opened up to go within.

The search continues but will I ever visit temples again... I don't know. They are within me and I am them. The temple out there... Maybe they will call me again if I fumble.

What a splendid lesson to learn on Shivaratri.

A Tryst with Faith

Yes, it’s been the year of Jagannath, the year of Kamakshi Amman and Tara Ma, the year of the great lord Shiva himself. Call it a twist of fate that in the last few months I got tossed into Bhuvaneswar on work, or was it a pretext to a greater reality unseen by the rest of the mortal world. 

Lord Shiva was my prime focus, and His sheer presence in my mind drove me to visit Lingaraja temple where I had the chance to walk into the Garbha Griha and learn more about Him. At the center of the chamber lies the shrine, a low Shiva linga, but with a difference. Lord Vishnu adorned in silver resides on Him. To my surprise I learned for the first time, this could well be the form of HariHara. Rich with experience I subsequently went to Puri Jagannath, where I came upon Kasi Vishwanath at the entrance. I also learned that the great Guru of Jagannath also resided within these temple walls and to my surprise he was the great Lord Shiva himself in the form of a linga. 

But, there was something else that moved in the mystical world just about the same time, one that I could sense but couldn't quite place my finger on. Emotionally I was exhausted wondering about how I could channelize my high energy emotion of Love and Bhakti. That’s really when Lord Jagannath stepped in, presenting ever so many occasions to repeatedly come and visit Him. He was there to guide, to keep my faith intact and to grant me as many visits as I possibly wanted. And, if there is anything am capable of ... its spiritual greed, I wanted to meet Him, again and again and again, closer and closer each time.

In my first visit apprehension overtook my emotion of divine love, a fear that this beautiful world within my mind would be destroyed by a screaming uncouth panda demanding for dakshina. It’s a mortal fear I have like anyone of you, the only difference was that I was worried because I really wanted to meet the Lord and I was scared it would not work out at all. My focus stayed in place, but my heart didn’t know what to expect. It appears like Lord Jagannath felt my fears and put it to rest when he sent a panda (who I never met after that) to come and guide me into the sacred chamber with gentleness and respect, something that I never expected. I met the Lord close, up close, amazed that I could walk into a garbha griha... no rules, no noise, no demands. 

I came out overwhelmed and went back home fulfilled only to learn later that there was a path of pradakshina I could have taken which I was not aware of. In my next visit, there was little chance of meeting that panda again but as I cursed my stars a friend of mine said she could arrange for another panda, the logistics of which I fixed through the course of the evening. It was a close call, to cover Konark and head towards Puri and find our way back to the airport at Bhuvneshwar, it was clock work and the Lord didn’t disappoint, for he let us walk into his shrine in the early hours of the morning. This time, I requested for the Pradakshina and I was allowed through with my friends. It was an experience to discover more about Lord Jagannath every step of the way, to learn about the temple, to learn about the way of life that surrounds these walls. 

I came out overwhelmed again, breaking down into my emotions partially as I thanked my friend endlessly for helping us through this. This time I saved the panda’s number and informed him I would be back in January to offer my manuscript, my work of art to the Great Lord Jagannath. Come January, I trooped back to Puri, as promised with my heart all set in anticipation wondering whether I would be granted my Jayadeva moment. It was unbelievable to say the least, where Lord Jagannath orchestrated my entry and exit ensuring I didn’t go back with disappointment. Whether it was day or night, whether it was a normal darshan or Shankranthi, whether there was few people or millions who thronged the temple, He made sure I visited him and had a darshan of him up close. When the Lord wishes, we can get the opportunity to bypass a wall of human beings to get a glimpse of him in a packed audience. I came back blessed with his victory flag that flies up high on the finial of the temple. 

Intoxicated and overwhelmed, emotionally saturated I returned yet again to visit him this time, with just one thought in my head.  I may not be able to come so often, and hence I asked the Lord "why don't you come back with me, come with me, reside in my heart, be a part of my being." I do not know what came over me, but the mind was ready and the heart ached and I asked the panda to source a saligrama this time, knowing fully well I was signing up for the ultimate state of orthodox living, and I was prepared to go for it. It was all for my Lord Jagannath.

I went back this time, repeatedly calling up my panda to be reassured that I would get what I had requested for. I had no idea on how it was going to happen but I was ready for NO as an answer anytime... in the mortal world, being a woman, NO comes more often than a YES in the spiritual world. We reached the temple doorway, and walked in silently into the peaceful courtyard. He told us to wait and look at the Lord while the pranapratishta was underway. He came back and handed me a saligrama, wrapped in grains and a red cloth which I safely put into a wooden box I had brought along. I stared at it and looked up questioningly...no shankha, no chakra? He smiled and said it’s the prana of Lord Jaganntha, within this saligrama sila, it’s a Banalinga. It is Lord Shiva himself. 

I stared back into the shrine, I had come a full circle. Lord Shiva and Lord Jagannath had taught me a serious lesson, there was no difference between them for this was the pure form of Harihara. Where the sacred prana of Lord Jagannath resides within a saligrama whose nature is that of Shiva, as a Banalinga. There is no Vaishnavism, there is no Shaivism, there is no separation on such religious or spiritual Gods, this was their swarupam, the primordial nature of supreme energy, a small drop of which rested within my hands for me to take back home. Lord Jagannatha had answered my prayers, as he sent me back to my world of Shiva, but with His life force. 

I realized in these months, in these many darshans of Lord Jagannath, that I had undergone a change, I had matured, spiritually evolved. I had lost every form of attachment to my earthly existence. I had found my divine family, I had reached the abode of my sacred home. I have found my sacred family. This year has been blessed, Kamakshi Amman made me meet her, Lord Jagannath gave me his soul locked in a Banalinga saligrama, Ma Tara awaits me in Tarapith and Lord Venkateshwara awaits me in Tirupati and I have stepped into the next stage of spiritual evolution. Experiencing the completeness of my life with my divine family.