Vamsa - Quest for the Divine Calling

This journey has finally culminated into my first book, it possibly explains the lack of posts. Its been an arduous journey of nearly 12+ years to bring my first work of fiction to you. 

The Making of the Book

I am actually speechless when it comes to explaining the experiences I went through to bring this to you. Needless to say that the struggle was immense, not just with getting a good story together, but also to learn how to write a book. And when I thought my work had finally been completed the endless wait to find a publisher was a back breaking effort. But through all this ordeal, the fundamental question to find out whether I would make it as an author was quite the driving force. I was certain, when am on my deathbed, I certainly don't want to feel horrible that I didn't even try. And so, to save myself that deep dejection I decided that come what may, I just have to figure this out for myself. 

I have tried my best, I have put every effort that I am humanly capable of, despite my nature to be unable to sustain such fervor for a long time. And for some strange reason I have to tell you, I have felt a push inside my head, in my heart to not let go, to not give up. This push, appeared to be "not me" though it wasn't even external. To anyone out there, it looked like i was the one trying, but inside my head I know, someone/something was pushing me to it. 

I have come to give divinity a definition, define the tendency that "wasn't me within me". Its that strange feeling that doesn't let go, forced me to look at the manuscript every time my thoughts went dry. It has driven me to unthinkable levels of deep emotion, and a strange courage that I can see this to the door. Right through this entire journey, I have grown, I have changed and I have matured towards silence as I realized there is just so much more out there to being human, to tap my own capabilities and am so glad I made some good use of my time. But what really shined through this amazing experience is that when I hit a wall, and really had no where to go, help came in the form of people, help came in the form of ideas and all these added up to my kitty of miracles. The spiritual experience has been unbelievable, i have stopped and wondered whether what just happened actually happened. 

This work, is a sincere offering to the gods in a language known to people. I have floated away into some level of abstraction, but the story is simple, and quite opposite to the blog. I really hope you have a good experience while reading my book for the thoughts, the creative twists were all inspired by Lord Jagannath himself. It was really under his strange but amazing influence that the final touches the book were made, which in my world amounted to rewriting it :).

I cant explain it, but I can only promise, when you are done reading, you would have completely enjoyed this journey. This is a work of spiritual fiction, where the sacred texts have been revisited, and the crazy world of bhaktas becomes real. It is a place where emotions are not withheld and love and freedom find their way into a realm of deep adoration for the Gods. I am just one speck in that vast ocean. 

On another note, I would like to tell you that when I went to the astrologer to pick a good date to release this book online and let the world know about it, he had a peculiar answer to give me,

"This is a spiritual work, don't worry, any day is an auspicious day".

And with this, I offer this work of mine to all of you to journey along with me... into my world of deep spiritualism. 

Love in Spiritualism - Unconditional or Sensual?

The term "love" has many depictions in the scriptures, from rapturous sensuality as a form of expression to divine intoxication. The celestial being in our scriptures have either risen to the pinnacle of devotion or they have plummeted into the abyss of sexual satiation. Either way this emotion in its many forms makes or breaks a sadhak's spiritual endeavor. 

Love stems out of chemistry in gross terms and that's possibly the most mundane animal tendency we can see in ourselves. So blinding is the emotion that we as humans, have practically failed to look beyond it. But if and when we do get the chance to transcend this state and move to the next level, the definition of love changes drastically for good. 

Some call it Neela Madhava Bhava, others call it Madhura bhava, I some how relate to Neela Madhava Bhava a lot more. This is a state when love becomes unconditional, where bhakti takes over and rules the emotions. This is when love is not equated with gross sensuality but its a different high, that works more in the mind of course fed by emotion. It has nothing to do with physical attraction but the effect is far more intense in the mind, and lasts longer... possibly for good. 

Neela madhava bhava can be expressed to a celestial being in abstraction, to an idol representing that abstraction within a temple or quite simple to another human being who expresses similar state of mind. This bhava is beyond relationship, beyond rules and so free is its nature that it culminates in unconditional love towards others. Ramprasad Sen, a great poet and tantrik practitioner of his time went through this emotion in great depth, so much so that he practically prayed to Ma Kali to help him seek others who related to her divinity the same way.  

Many misunderstand Kaula tantra as an art form of love. To the uninitiated it may look like a potential orgy, but to the seeker the experience is way beyond words. When one sadhak goes through divine intoxication and relates to another sadhak with a similar mindset, the interaction is potentially that of Shiva and Shakthi, Krishna and Radha, but with one difference - There is complete detachment and yet there is extreme love and there is no sensuality in the picture. Love is a strong emotion that takes both the aspirants through, the gross bodies don't unite but the minds are in union. What results from the interaction is a higher state of bliss, in the mind and in consciousness.

Spiritualism is potent and as much as it offers such fantastic experiences to the mind, and soul it asks the physical body to have self restraint. The earthly definitions of love fall flat in the spiritual space. Attachment, ownership, pride and low grade orgasms have no place in this world. This world is beyond known imagination of love that has been peddled as a great experience, of the gross kind. In the spiritual space, this emotion starts with surrender, deep and pure surrender with no doubts. And when the Gods act on it, they speak to us, through events, through thoughts and through Neela Madhava Bhava.

ललाटचत्वरज्वलद्धनञ्जयस्फुलिङ्गभा

निपीतपञ्चसायकं नमन्निलिम्पनायकम् |

सुधामयूखलेखया विराजमानशेखरं

महाकपालिसम्पदेशिरोजटालमस्तु नः ||६||

- Ravana Tandava Shlokam (Wikipedia)

May we get the wealth of Siddhis from Śiva's locks of hair, 

which devoured the God of Love with the sparks of the fire flaming in His forehead, 

who is bowed by all the celestial leaders, 

who is beautiful with a crescent moon

Its time we unleashed that lesser known emotion to get the best of its potential. We are truly capable of a lot more, we need to believe we are ready for this new wave of emotion, for once it engulfs us, its a flood gate to heaven... in a spiritual space. Remember, even Kama had to be burned in the fire of enlightenment, he didn't survive the intensity of the great Lord Shiva himself. 

Quest Towards Divine Craving

Twenty years and counting, I have come across so many version of expression that describe the form of Shiva, so many in the past have tried to seek and share what they have experienced. The making of my Shiva still has deeply depended on that which comes from out there, and not from that which is generated within me. This path so far has led me to crave so much more for anything that I can learn about who or what Shiva really means. After all this hunting, seeking, searching, expressing, reading, singing, painting, discovering... I have come upon a secret ... one secret that I believe completely describes Shiva. Its cryptic, its short, its potent. And while everyone else has possibly taken this for granted because its so easily available and they didn't have to try so hard, they probably don't know the value of this diamond they hold. 

Aghora Rishi
Na Ma Shi Va Ye Ti Beejam

I repeat these cryptic letters to myself, they make no sense in my world of noise, in my fast paced life constantly governed by western logic and glitz of intellectual proof, these little syllables are like that of a baby babbling, making no sense but no one is looking at me with a smile saying "how cute"!

No one has time for me, no one understands this pain of mine to find out what these syllables mean. They have too much of their own things going to spend a moment with me to find out why I am so stuck with it. I met a few wise men, some didn't want to talk, others didn't know what to say and some said so much, I could see clearly they didn't know anything. 

I learned slowly, that the answer to the meaning of these syllables was in the silence within my mind, took me a while to get there but I figured there is more to that silence than what meets the eye. But my first challenge was to switch off the din outside, and sink into the silence inside and try to maintain it. 

My first struggle was to make sure the outside din didn't keep coming back and bothering me. I needed to cut them off so I decided to get into this when the outside world slept. When there is silence outside, the noise inside can be heard. My next challenge was to close down the noise inside, and that turns out to be far tougher job. I am enough damage to myself, I don't need the world to mess me up, I can do a fine job myself. I have been struggling a lot on this, cant say I have succeeded, but I have found the possible key to the solution. I exercised it and it worked wonders. I stopped attaching myself with the world* outside, for a few minutes, then for a few days and then it became a part of life. I simply stopped worrying. Everyone will find their way, with or without me... I cut off one branch - the craving for self assurance externally. I don't need the world to help preserve me, I can do it myself. 

I managed to bring down the excess noise in my mind, that many people and things could take care of themselves for a while, so I don't need to worry. I brought down my self importance and the world around me learned, this time was for myself, and no one was invited. The phone was switched off, the door was shut and I moved into my den, my den with my Gods. I have been doing one thing for the last fifteen years which has come in very handy now - Japa. It is so much a part of me, that when my mind is idling around, it just falls into auto mode - japa. And this japa has cleared a lot of the excess thoughts and therefore the quality of the thoughts has improved. I can control what thought I want to entertain and what thought I can do without. Cant say they don't keep coming back, but when the craving ends, the thoughts die as well. So I learned to kill craving. 

With quite a few distractions out of the way, the silence started to grow and I started to repeat those mystical syllables, first loudly then softly then just within my head. I began to realize a strange difference that took place. I could feel my emotional intensity rise, ten fold, so much so that people couldn't handle me. They are so used to their frivolous existence, such concepts are so difficult for them to even understand, they harbor fear. I started to look like the different one, not someone you may like but someone you would definitely take notice of. I slowly started to realize the Path to Shivahood, is lonely and whether I like it or not, I will loose my connect with people. Frankly, today, no one understand me, no one knows me, and am good with that feeling because I just connect with someone else - My Divine Family and there I hear plenty of music. I have not seen Shiva (not sure if that is even possible) but I gather that I have felt a hint. 

Those sacred syllables don't have a meaning, not in the language we speak. Those sacred syllables have an effect on us, making us rise above being human. Forgive those who are ignorant, its ok. Let go, its ok. Be compassionate, its ok. Please don't hoard, you cant take it with you. Look for spiritual wealth, not material wealth. That wealth comes with you after death, its way more valuable. 

The question now is - what is spiritual wealth? :)

It is this craving that takes over your mind, conquers your thoughts, conquers your soul. This desperate need for divine love that makes you latch on to anyone remotely showing you the presence of divine grace within themselves. It doesn't matter whether they live or they are gone, it doesn't matter whether they are men or women. They have a story to tell and that story you will want to listen. And this feeling is deep and no one will understand you then. Its the state of Shivahood. 


*Stopped attaching doesnt mean indifference, it means compassion dispassionately. Simply put - I dont need to own you to care for you, I simply care for you because you are alive, and you shine with divine grace. 

A Conversation with My Divine Family

It's been a journey this far, one into deep spiritualism... deeper than you have been possibly, and also one of the most enriching. There is fatigue and intoxication in the mind. Fatigue because I am determined to see my divine family, in this world and in the next and my search is not quite taking me anywhere. Intoxication because they are making doubly sure this search continues and I don't give it up for any  reason. I thought this was a subtle tease until I was posed with a very deep question... One that has started me on a new journey, a different journey. 

The circumstances of having gone to Jagannath, of having visited the temple and experienced the depth of Neela Madhava Bhava to some degree has left me saturated with such emotion. This divine intoxication led me to take a daring trip to the remote shakthi peetha of Tara Ma and despite warning of lack of safety in the rural region of West Bengal, I dared to surrender to MA Tara and tell her to protect me.

With Lord Jagannath residing in my heart and the beckoning call of Tara Ma, I headed out of a way side hotel in Tarapith to meet her at 3:00am. They say that the form of Ma Tara actually hides a deeper potency within herself, the sacred form of her feeding Lord Shiva; but what I had thought was all there is to it 2 years ago, led me to believe there was more. This form actually hid yet another vigraham within it and it had eaten into the reserves of my unending curiosity to know what that firm really was. Yes, I had kept this hunger going for 2 years, I had made it my purpose to know what was within that which the panda so carefully had hidden away...or maybe Tara MA herself for she did want me to come back again to bathe every form of hers that I subsequently discovered.

I had been excited about performing the abhishekam of what I thought was the inner form when I realized it was but a teaser to a form deeper within it. The discovery of Tara Ma has taken me 3 visits spanning few years. And sitting in a wayside shop waiting it out for a panda left me reflecting on what a friend of mine had said the previous night.

"It's a long queue at 2:30am, that continues till 3:30 with or without a panda and we get a glimpse of the inner form for a few seconds. 

But the instructions of the panda were otherwise. "Come at 3:00am and we will take you inside." Here were conflicting pieces of information, packed with added stress when the panda's wife replied to our frantic calls saying he was unwell and couldn't make it, led me to wonder what was in store. I was not going to curl up and sleep, I was going to brave it through the dark streets of the night. I was here for it and I was not going back without it.

Yet this intoxicated heart could barely wait to see her, as her intense mysticism overpowered my soul and no, no human was going to mess around with this sacred rendezvous.

With the panda's son's arrival to lead us into the temple at 4:00am, I had no clue what was lined up but the size of the offerings in the basket indicated there was a lot to be done. We waited our turn in a rather empty temple while few others were inside offering their prayers. We were called in, and I set eyes on her mysterious self, her core, the inner most idol, her potent earthly form that stood there awaiting me to bathe her. 

I am particular about what thoughts cross my mind at these moments for they govern my perspective of life back in my mundane world. And in this blank mind every thought that trickles through is a potent message from my spiritual family, and I wait for the next order or pearl of wisdom.

And in the silence of the chamber, in he silent waters of my mind I heard the swirling question come towards me. 

"I have given you my heart in a Saligrama, I have given you my life energy that it breathes with. I have shown you what there is to see in my earthly splendour be it at Kanchipuram, be it a Puri, be it at Lingaraja, be it at Tarapith. I have granted your wish to visit and discover everything there is to my earthly form. And now I ask, have you found me? Is this all there is to know about me? Or do you perhaps need to start looking within to go on this search?"

The question stung me hard. Go within, that's all I thought, but how and where?

I have crossed the threshold, some kind of threshold, I don't know. I have lost my anger to compassion. I have shrunk my materialism to triviality in relation to deeper faith. I have lost my expectations to forgiveness and tolerance. I have lost my earthly attachment to divine love. And now the path has opened up to go within.

The search continues but will I ever visit temples again... I don't know. They are within me and I am them. The temple out there... Maybe they will call me again if I fumble.

What a splendid lesson to learn on Shivaratri.