12.19.2015

The Sati in Me Burns as the Daksha of Fate Looks on...

He is there, far out in the wild, far away from social rule, far away from the plague of human order of living. He is Shiva, the wild one, the living, the intense, the pure, the flawless, the fearless, He is my Shiva. But in this forest of human living, I have lost him in the crowd. I have lost him so bad that I wonder whether he even exists among them...anymore. And yet this heart yearns for the possibility that he exists. 

The wheel of time has turned again, fate has lolled out its ugly head and placed yet another test to me and I have this unsettling feeling am losing this war again, very badly this time. I have a quest, do I have the luck to meet my Shiva in this life.... ever, at all?

This heart is tired of the hunt, this heart is tired of the web of emotions it has caught itself in... this heart just wants to stop beating.

The ambiance of life is set, the great sacrifice is underway and Daksha, the father of my fate has rolled out yet another plan, but this time the sinking feeling is louder. And in the crowd of humanity I cant quite find my Shiva. Where is he and will he protect me, will he come? At the center of this earthly universe is the deep fire of burning human desire, large flames rising up threatening me to dare look for my Shiva in it. The flames are hot, fiery with possessiveness, crackling with anger and greed, raising their fiery arms to grab my poor soul that stares at them dance within the stage of their homa kunda. The black smoke of sorrow, of doubt and of betrayal rises out consuming every one standing there witnessing, sucking their emotions into its flames. Is my Shiva there?

I see people getting consumed in its flames creating illusions of deep emotions. I see people willingly succumbing to its tempting offerings as they dive into its flames, only to feel its real fury. They burn, they shout and groan in their suffering of burns as they writhe in sheer unbearable pain and yet they cant stop themselves from diving, its call is just so strong. This fiery pit is lethal and no one knows what they are signing up to until they take the plunge to only realize how it tricked them by playing into their hearts. And I stand here, trying so hard not to fall into this deadly pit of burning desire.

Daksha is watching in silence, as the fire rises to consume people, consume their minds, consume their hearts and consume their souls into sorrow, into hate, into anger... oh what is the real nature of its flames? I can see him sit there and smile, urging me to jump. I can see the lust and greed in the eyes of the people who willingly fall in, something is so not right in this fire and yet, in my world, that is all I see ... the fire and its tempting arms of a beautiful illusion of finding my Shiva there. 

And I jumped into its flames.

I can hear the screams of agony, I can hear the wailing of sorrow, its a terrible world in there as I start to burn. Its deep, it sucks me in and am trying desperately hard to find my way out, Ma Tara, help me... help me. Help me out of here. The fires are consuming my heart, its sinking deep into the black abyss of human plague. Its burning away the beauty of my soul, its burning away the purity of my being... its burning me to ashes, destroying the real me, the core that I need my great Lord Shiva to protect. And I collapse in exhaustion. Am losing the Shakthi within me, slowly but surely. 

The pain is deep, the hurt is immense and am waiting for him to lift me out of these raging flames to take me away. He will come with his army to lift me out of this burning ground of emotions. I am waiting ... as I burn in this pyre of life. 

Oh my Shiva, my calm Shiva, the fearless one, the strong one... where are you? Won't you listen to my cries.

Om
Na Ma Shi Va Ya... 
Na Ma Shi Va Ya...
Na Ma Shi Va Ya...
Ommm...
Shii Vaaa Yaaa... 

10.26.2015

To Lord Jagannatha I bow


You have come back again to quench my thirst, to dip my dumb head into the Gita, to shake the ignorance out of my mind once again. I am thankful to you for that. 

You came back to push me to think, to push me to realize the deeper nuances of human relationships, that which I never knew of, that which no one believes ever existed.

You held my hand and took me through the path of bhava, bhava of different kinds. Yes! This heart is capable of viewing love in more ways than one. 

You taught me sakhya bhava, and I was too dumb to learn. Eight years after you stole him away I realized what you meant. Spiritualism in human relationships, oh what a game you have played!

You taught me madhura bhava and I hardly got the point. What a waste I was, till you made me realize the hard way it was meant to be divine, not human. 

You taught me dasa bhava, and I melted in devotion not knowing where it led me. But today when I stand on what appears to be a pedestal for another, I realize what the previous sage didn't get right. 

And now when I need you most, you taught me vatsalya bhava, another version of the same love. And while this heart fears detachment, you threw the impermanent world at me to grapple with while I try to realize the actual truth. 

You have shown your grace to teach me tanmaya bhava, to see your form in everyone I meet, to cure me off human folly. To worship you in every living human, every insect, every being pulsating with life...and for that divine intoxication, I thank you again.  

And finally, when I rest my tired heart that doesn't know what else is in store, it awaits your lesson on shanta bhava to imbibe the silence of the universe, the void, the truth that you have so carefully hidden away from me. 

Oh when will you reveal your true form to me O Lord Jagannatha and claim this heart that truly belongs to you.

To Lord Jagannatha I bow.

9.27.2015

Divine Love, my encounter with the crazy world of Bhaktas

Are you a bhakta? How far does your Bhakti go? Will you take the leap, close your eyes and trust me and let go?

"No" would most likely be the answer. How then do we go on this path of faith, ahem blind faith. Blind faith which is not so blind that you take anything that’s given but blind faith that is informed on whom you take it from and what they have to offer. And yes, you had better know your faith better, way better because whoever you go to, won’t teach you that. 

Faith is what you make of it, it is not what you see in a group of people as to what they make of it. It is not a war of symbolism, it is not a war of numbers, it is not a war of belief (whether my belief is greater than yours or not). It is a STATE OF MIND. It is yours for you to manage, like your home, your work, your kids... faith is all about managing the creature called you. Why, because guess what ... you spent your whole life managing everyone and everything else around you but yourself. 

I belong in that world, the world where we think managing ourselves is way more important that managing others. We manage ourselves and define what principles and virtues we want to live up to and define who we really want to be...in the divine world. I discovered a handful of others who have tried as much to do the same thing with themselves and succeeded. And we have a common goal, the goal is to seek the divine, the goal is to exploit what we have in abundance - sheer love. 

Love - not the chemistry between a man and a woman, not a spark that defines a human relationship - but love that is free of human definition. You and I are capable of it. I discovered a man, I read his poetry and now I am deeply in love with his ideology, deeply in love with his craving for the Goddess, deeply in love with his purity towards the divine. And every line in his poetry just makes my heart cry out for him. Oh where is he, the great lover of the Goddess, who looks so dejected because he can’t find me. 

Alas, we are born in two different eras...we are born never to have ever met before. And as I scroll through his divine verses to the Goddess... I feel the pain of what he feels. We are simple people, we don’t know the ways of the world, and we just know one thing, deep love, just love for the divine Mother. 

He writes:

A Country Fair (Excerpts) 

Drive me out of my mind, O Mother
What use is esoteric knowledge
or philosophical knowledge
Transport me totally with the burning wine
Of your all-embracing love
Mother of mystery, who imbues with mystery
The heart of those who love you
Immerse me irretrievably
In the stormy ocean without boundary
Pure love Pure love Pure love

The Poet Stammers, 
Overcome with longing:
When? When? When?
When will I be granted companionship 
with her intense lovers. 
Their holy company is heavenly
A country fair for those mad with love
Where every distinction between master and disciple disappears

 - Ramprasad Sen (Shakta Poet, 18th Century, West Bengal)

Yes it’s a mad world when one true bhakta meets another, it’s a mad world of freedom from the hypocrisy of men. Out here there is truth, there is pure love and deep faith that pulsates, binding us together. We sing each other’s praise, we view each other as an extension of ourselves. We realize just what we need beyond the world of earthly human love and existence. And the divine mother drives us, like horses tied to her chariot as we run in directions of our own choice, of our own freedom. The harness of love keeps us steady and doesn’t let us stray away.



He taught me well. He taught me to love the Goddess. He taught me to look into the mirror and see him as a reflection of me. 

That is truly when the divine illusion of the Great Mother falls and she sees herself face to face with herself. We are but a figment of her imagination. Ma Kali meets Ma Kali, I am you seen through her eyes and this illusion too shall fall. 

At last... I have realized the meaning of true love.