Quest Towards Divine Craving

Twenty years and counting, I have come across so many version of expression that describe the form of Shiva, so many in the past have tried to seek and share what they have experienced. The making of my Shiva still has deeply depended on that which comes from out there, and not from that which is generated within me. This path so far has led me to crave so much more for anything that I can learn about who or what Shiva really means. After all this hunting, seeking, searching, expressing, reading, singing, painting, discovering... I have come upon a secret ... one secret that I believe completely describes Shiva. Its cryptic, its short, its potent. And while everyone else has possibly taken this for granted because its so easily available and they didn't have to try so hard, they probably don't know the value of this diamond they hold. 

Aghora Rishi
Na Ma Shi Va Ye Ti Beejam

I repeat these cryptic letters to myself, they make no sense in my world of noise, in my fast paced life constantly governed by western logic and glitz of intellectual proof, these little syllables are like that of a baby babbling, making no sense but no one is looking at me with a smile saying "how cute"!

No one has time for me, no one understands this pain of mine to find out what these syllables mean. They have too much of their own things going to spend a moment with me to find out why I am so stuck with it. I met a few wise men, some didn't want to talk, others didn't know what to say and some said so much, I could see clearly they didn't know anything. 

I learned slowly, that the answer to the meaning of these syllables was in the silence within my mind, took me a while to get there but I figured there is more to that silence than what meets the eye. But my first challenge was to switch off the din outside, and sink into the silence inside and try to maintain it. 

My first struggle was to make sure the outside din didn't keep coming back and bothering me. I needed to cut them off so I decided to get into this when the outside world slept. When there is silence outside, the noise inside can be heard. My next challenge was to close down the noise inside, and that turns out to be far tougher job. I am enough damage to myself, I don't need the world to mess me up, I can do a fine job myself. I have been struggling a lot on this, cant say I have succeeded, but I have found the possible key to the solution. I exercised it and it worked wonders. I stopped attaching myself with the world* outside, for a few minutes, then for a few days and then it became a part of life. I simply stopped worrying. Everyone will find their way, with or without me... I cut off one branch - the craving for self assurance externally. I don't need the world to help preserve me, I can do it myself. 

I managed to bring down the excess noise in my mind, that many people and things could take care of themselves for a while, so I don't need to worry. I brought down my self importance and the world around me learned, this time was for myself, and no one was invited. The phone was switched off, the door was shut and I moved into my den, my den with my Gods. I have been doing one thing for the last fifteen years which has come in very handy now - Japa. It is so much a part of me, that when my mind is idling around, it just falls into auto mode - japa. And this japa has cleared a lot of the excess thoughts and therefore the quality of the thoughts has improved. I can control what thought I want to entertain and what thought I can do without. Cant say they don't keep coming back, but when the craving ends, the thoughts die as well. So I learned to kill craving. 

With quite a few distractions out of the way, the silence started to grow and I started to repeat those mystical syllables, first loudly then softly then just within my head. I began to realize a strange difference that took place. I could feel my emotional intensity rise, ten fold, so much so that people couldn't handle me. They are so used to their frivolous existence, such concepts are so difficult for them to even understand, they harbor fear. I started to look like the different one, not someone you may like but someone you would definitely take notice of. I slowly started to realize the Path to Shivahood, is lonely and whether I like it or not, I will loose my connect with people. Frankly, today, no one understand me, no one knows me, and am good with that feeling because I just connect with someone else - My Divine Family and there I hear plenty of music. I have not seen Shiva (not sure if that is even possible) but I gather that I have felt a hint. 

Those sacred syllables don't have a meaning, not in the language we speak. Those sacred syllables have an effect on us, making us rise above being human. Forgive those who are ignorant, its ok. Let go, its ok. Be compassionate, its ok. Please don't hoard, you cant take it with you. Look for spiritual wealth, not material wealth. That wealth comes with you after death, its way more valuable. 

The question now is - what is spiritual wealth? :)

It is this craving that takes over your mind, conquers your thoughts, conquers your soul. This desperate need for divine love that makes you latch on to anyone remotely showing you the presence of divine grace within themselves. It doesn't matter whether they live or they are gone, it doesn't matter whether they are men or women. They have a story to tell and that story you will want to listen. And this feeling is deep and no one will understand you then. Its the state of Shivahood. 

*Stopped attaching doesnt mean indifference, it means compassion dispassionately. Simply put - I dont need to own you to care for you, I simply care for you because you are alive, and you shine with divine grace.